The past seven days have honestly been quite a blur. Our squad was ending our time in the country of Georgia with our parents coming and doing ministry with us! Knowing my parents were not able to make it because of my Grandma being very ill at home. I was uncertain of how I would feel being surrounded by the other parents and not having my parents experience my life for the past seven months but God totally blew me out of the water and I was so uplifted and encouraged by my time with the other racers parents!! I felt adopted into other families for the week and built astounding connections with these families from all over America! Thank you to all the parents who loved on me during PVT!!
Missing my family, I reached out one evening to check in and see how things were at home. My Dad started to fill me in on Grandma and how within the past day and a half Grandma had slipped immensely. My Grandma has been sick the entirety of my trip as she had transition from my childhood home to the hospice facility. I grew up with my Grandma in my home, she was a second mom to me. My mom shared with me that Grandma started waving and smiling the other day in her bed, saying, “ I see Laura, she is here with me”
The next day I just felt myself start to grieve and really question, “Where does God want me right now?” I talked to the leadership team about potentially going home and they were nothing but supportive and loving in conversing about the possibility. A few hours later, I was back in my room at the hostel and I talked to my Dad again and he said Grandma is about to pass within the next week, and I knew in my heart I needed to be home, I started looking at flights immediately. I was adamant that I get home to see her and to say good bye before she passed.
Everything happened so fast, but I ended up buying a ticket home and having heart felt what I thought would be temporary good byes to my squad. I cannot describe the love and intentionality I was given from the members of the squad that night . They showed me unconditional, agape love, allowing the space for me to laugh and cry as we processed life together, they are true family for life.
As I headed home, I picked up some sort of flu bug and got sick on the plane…. BOOO NO FUN! Waiting in anxious anticipation to see my Grandma one last time.
I didn’t realize the emotion of leaving my squad and being overseas for seven months would so immediately and heavily affect me. I have seen the world, try new things, met new people, visited amazing places, learned about new cultures and now it is suddenly gone? All of these good byes were difficult and unpronounced. It felt I was hit out of my blind spot.
As soon as I landed in Chicago I called my family and I found out the blistering painful news that my Grandma had passed that morning. I was dumbfounded and frustrated with a flood of emotions. I was too late. I was quickly comforted by the reminder of all the memories we had shared together and how she knew of the love I had for her and our relationship.
Since being home I have had the reunions, spent the past week meeting with family and friends, catching up, telling stories, reminiscing etc. it is hard to communicate to others the life changing experience I just encountered but than again balanced with the grieving separation of my Grandma and fellow squad mates.
I feel lost…. but yet God has shown himself in it all. I have left my home, I have changed, grown, had radical experiences and ultimately fallen so deeply more in love with my Savior, learning full surrender and reliance on him… its a beautiful place to live.
With all of this being said…
I have decided not to return to the field. It crushes me to even write this but I believe that I am suppose to be home with my family right now. I believe that this is a place where I can continue to grow, change and fall more in love with my heavenly Father and press into the grieve and pain that this season is presenting. Saying good byes to my incredible Grandma and my squad that became my second family hurts.. but I am gaining a willing heart in the process of transition and change.
The Father reminded me of a passage the other day…
“ The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
Isaiah 58:11
I would love if you would join in prayer with me!!
Here are some prayer requests!
- strength for my family as we grieve the loss of our beautiful Grandma Lucy
- For my squad to be unashamedly so in love with Jesus and continuing to be given opportunities to share the good news of that love in our broken world!!
- Courage for me to continue to step out into boldness in America
- That this season of my life is full of fresh perspective and deeper dependence on God!!
- For deeper connections within my family and within y squad as they are out on the mission field!
- That love trumps all hardships!!
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has walked this impactful journey with me; through prayer, financially giving and the emotional support that has been poured out in abundance has been unforgettable! I truly love and cherish the amazing generosity and hearts of you all and I look forward to connecting more personally with you and and sharing all the stories and testimonies of God’s faithfulness throughout the past seven months. Time after time his goodness shown through and it’s a true testament of his goodness to us. I believe I will see him do it again!
All my love!!
Laura Kolander
