“For the very glory you have given to me I have given them so that they will be joined together as one and experience the same unity that we enjoy. You live fully in me and now I live fully in them so that they will experience perfect unity, and the world will be convinced that you have sent me, for they will see that you love each one of them with the same passionate love that you have for me.” John 17:22-23
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As I write this, I’m sitting on the couch in my parents’ living room, back home in Gallatin, Tennessee, safe and sound from 11 days of training camp. It was nothing like I thought it would be. It was far more challenging mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically than I had anticipated. But it was also better. Way, way better. To say that I am a new woman is an understatement. I am a new soul added onto that. I learned more about myself than I thought I would, and I learned that I hadn’t yet dealt with some of my insecurities like I thought I had. I experienced intimacy with God on a whole new level and experienced His love and wonders like I never had before. I learned more about what it means to be a missionary and to run relentlessly after God’s Kingdom. Allow me to start from the beginning:
June 4, 2019, my squad mate T.J. and I set out for the storytelling workshop. Both of us were excited, but neither of us was sure of what to expect. On the 5 hour ride down there, we both learned about each other and our testimonies, and we shared what we were hoping to experience. Once we arrived at Adventures in Missions, we received a warm welcome, met up with the others who had arrived early for the workshop, then we were taken to our temporary campsite to set up. It was about 85 degrees and humid as we set up our tents, and I quickly became frustrated because of how hot and sweaty I was. As I was sliding my sleeping pad into my tent, all I could think about was how much I was dreading sleeping on the thing. I continued to inwardly complain the whole time. Once we were done, we made our way back to what’s called The Lodge and began our first sessions for storytelling.
As we learned about storytelling, two men named Gary and Andrew came in, obviously filled with the Spirit, and began preaching almost immediately. It didn’t take long for me to be convicted. As they spoke, I realized how petty and selfish I had been just an hour prior. I was griping about sleeping conditions, thinking only of myself, and nothing of God. I quickly learned that I must decrease so that He can increase, and that was my first humbling experience at training camp. After a few more sessions, night fell and we all made our way back to our campsite to sleep. The first night was difficult. I had never camped before, so I wasn’t used to sleeping on a pad. It didn’t help that I unknowingly set up my tent over a tree root. I knew it when I woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing hip. I remembered what I’d been convicted of earlier, adjusted my position, and went back to sleep. We woke up to the sound of birds singing, and it was at that moment that I felt so much gratitude for being there. It didn’t matter how much my hips hurt. It didn’t matter that I’d been woken up by yipping coyotes, trucks, and a helicopter throughout the night. I was at training camp, starting the journey to prepare for this amazing opportunity God has presented me with. Later that day after more sessions, we finally got to meet the rest of our squad that hadn’t attended the storytelling workshop. We were all unsure at first, it seemed, but it didn’t take long for us to open up to each other.
Each day of training camp was assigned to a different part of the world, and our first day was Asia day, and definitely my favorite. While I was skeptical with this meal, it ended up being one of the best. Our first full day was filled with incredible worship and hours of sessions. We learned about ownership, Kingdom, humility, intimacy, beauty, community, and missions, and what it looks like to continually live that out. We learned what it means to give and receive feedback (beep-boop) in healthy ways. The days following were similar, which I was grateful for. We faced heavy downpours for almost 6 days straight, and none of us were in a hurry to spend any time outside. But just as God watered His earth, He watered my spirit. I was forced to look at Him in a different light than I had before, and my understanding of Him was broadened. I also became more acquainted with His Spirit. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church, so I was taught about the Holy Spirit, but I never really knew much about Him. All I knew was that He’s supposed to dwell inside us, help us when we need Him, and convict us of our sins. It wasn’t until training camp that I realized what a friend He is, and He’s far more than I could ever wrap my head around. I witnessed a healing for the very first time. I’ll admit that I was skeptical about healings before this. I think most people usually are. But there are some things that cannot be explained but by the power of the Holy Spirit, and what we all experienced couldn’t be explained. I was also prophesied over. On our 4th night all together, I was praying for wisdom, strength to live boldly for Jesus, and to be used by Him. It was at that moment that one of my squad mates, Eric, approached me and stated that I would be used by God in amazing ways, that I would grow in wisdom, and I would be used to comfort someone suffering when no one else can. I already knew God heard our prayers. I’d experienced it before. But I had never had something like that happen to me before. All I could do was smile and hug Eric, then I continued praising God like I never had before.
My old insecurities bubbled their way back up while we were there: lies about not being enough, not being pretty enough, not being perfect. I began comparing myself to other people, but the Lord ripped that out of me real quick. I broke down crying during one of the sermons one night because whether the speaker knew it or not, they were speaking directly to me. Every word stabbed at my heart until I finally was able to let it go. I finally embraced the fact that God created me for a reason, and that reason is not to try and be everyone else. I finally embraced my identity in Him, and not in anything or anyone else.
Forgiveness had been mentioned a few times in sessions. I took notes, but I didn’t believe the sessions really applied to me. I’m not one to hold grudges. I have forgiven everyone who has wronged me in my past, from ex’s to old friends. But for some reason, I didn’t have peace on the term forgiveness. I couldn’t figure out why until we had a session on inner-healing, and we were told to ask ourselves some questions. The first question being, ‘What emotion am I feeling?’ “Shame,” I said to myself. ‘What memory was first attached to that emotion?’ I played the memory in my head and automatically felt disgusted. But it was at that moment that I realized there was one person I had not forgiven. It wasn’t anyone who’d done anything to me. It was myself. I hadn’t forgiven myself. I beat myself up so much and became so focused on being perfect that I hadn’t taken any time to forgive myself for the things I’d done. I can’t explain to you the freedom I felt after letting go of the lies Satan had done such a good job at making me believe, and instead, believing the truths God was saying over me. I am a woman of God, renewed and purified, no longer defined by my past. I am a precious child, so valuable to Him that He would send Jesus Christ to die on a cross for me. I am worthy of being fought for, protected, and loved.
I learned that I’ve got to stop being a passive person and be intentional with those around me. I’ve learned that friends, community, relationships, and intimacy with God won’t just happen. I have to go after people and go after God. I’ve got to pursue those around me and live with purpose. I’ve got to be open and vulnerable, and I have to choose to love people even in my lowest points, not just when it’s easy. I have to stay connected to Jesus, the True Vine. I have to be available and interruptable for God.
I can’t wait to get to know every single one of these people, and I’m so excited to start this Race with my team! Let’s go, y’all!
