Hello from China! It’s hard to believe month two is almost over. It feels like time is going by so slowly, but as I look back, I realize that it’s going FAST. We leave China for Kazakhstan in ONE WEEK, and I am pumped! As excited as I am to move onto the next country, I don’t want to lose focus on the now. This month has been pretty difficult from start to finish, what with spiritual warfare and complications in China. There’s been A LOT of reflection this month, and there’s a journal entry I wrote a little over a week ago that I’d like to share with you guys.
9.16.19
“Remember who you are.
These are the words I just heard. I’ve been struggling spiritually these last few days. We found a place to stay for four days, and it was next to the Great Wall of China! It was an awesome and relaxing four days! But because we were no longer in a panic, it gave me a chance to process my spiritual state…not good. I realized there was a lot that I was holding onto, and there were a lot of expectations that weren’t being met, mostly in myself. I was becoming easily flustered and bitter. I was having pity parties for myself, and I was entering into a really unhealthy state. Jealousy of how close my other teammates are getting invaded my mind. I’ve been feeling like the outsider, one who isn’t welcome in certain conversations. I’ve felt like I can only be enjoyed when making sarcastic comments, or when I space out, then come back in and have everyone giggling because I have no idea what’s going on. I allowed myself to get stuck in my own head, and I’ve put myself back into the box I’ve been trying to break out of. I’ve expected my teammates to be perfect, which isn’t fair to them. They can’t be perfect, nor can I. I’ve expected them to put in more effort in reaching out when I put in little. But that’s my responsibility. One of our coaches, Sheila, told me to be more assertive and to push myself into conversations, but I’ve not been doing that. I’ve projected my thoughts of myself onto my teammates, betting that’s what they’re thinking about me. That’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to me, either. I’ve not been kind to myself lately. I’ve allowed my inner-critic to be the loudest voice in my ear, and I’ve tuned out the voice of the Lord. I’ve spoken death over myself. This morning God spoke truth over me.
‘Remember who you are.’
It invaded my thoughts as I was reading through Proverbs, and it stopped me in my tracks. I knew it was from the Lord. I’ve been so lost in my head that I’ve forgotten the truth that’s been spoken over me. I’ve forgotten my value. I forgot who I am. I am a daughter of The Most High, beloved by Him and by so many others. As I write this, another word has come in.
‘Remember who I am.’
The great I Am, all-powerful and all-knowing, full of neverending love. I’ve not been giving Him the credit that’s due. I’ve been so focused on myself that I’ve lost sight of Him. Holy Father, please forgive me for my pity parties these last few days. I’ve forgotten who You say I am, and I’ve forgotten who You are. Please comfort me in this hard time, and help me battle the lies in my head. Please replace them with Your truth, and help me to extend grace to myself and to others. Make me more like You, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
I can speak truth over myself all day. I can listen to the people around me who are filled with so much wisdom and are so good at encouraging me, but sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes it takes that small, still whisper from the Father to open the eyes.
The team has started the process of inner healing, and I gotta say, it sucks. It’s bringing up a lot of stuff about my past that I didn’t think I would have to face again, stuff that I would rather forget than face. Battling these demons is difficult. I don’t have the strength to do it, but the Lord does. He is walking side by side with me, arm in arm, every step of the way. As I walk through this season with Him, I want to be as intentional as possible about finding the joy in every situation I can be, in the hills and in the valleys.
But He answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and My power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 TPT
