This is a blog post I never imagined I’d be writing. I’m in a situation I never thought would happen to me. I don’t know what is going to come out in this blog, and I apologize for how scattered this is going to be, but I have so many emotions going on inside. I need to let it out somehow.
I prayed for God to break me. Then my dad died.
Right now I’m sitting inside the Brussels airport waiting to board my next flight to America, where I will be assisting my sister with the planning of our father’s funeral. That’s not something a 25 year old should have to do, and my 23 year old sister shouldn’t have had to make so many difficult decisions. We shouldn’t be grieving our father now, who was getting healthier and was happy, who loved his grandson and all the people around him, and who was trying to improve his relationship with the Lord. And I can’t help but wonder if this wouldn’t have happened had I not prayed for God to break me.
I prayed for God to break me because I noticed a complacency in my relationship with Him, and I knew He would be able to transform me into something new. I knew praying to be broken was a dangerous prayer, but I thought I was prepared because I’ve prayed that prayer before and came out refined. I wasn’t prepared to lose one of the most important men in my life, and I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand why God decided to take my father. I don’t understand why all this pain is necessary.
God, why didn’t you just break ME and not everyone I love?
I don’t want to doubt God’s goodness, but I find myself struggling. I don’t want to be angry, but I’m struggling. I’m upset. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m disappointed. I feel ignored by God. I prayed and prayed for the healing of my father, but God didn’t answer that prayer, and I don’t know why. I had hope. I had faith. But my dad still died.
That’s all I have for now. Please pray for my sister, Rebekah, my grandmother, aunt, and my cousins, and the rest of my family. My cousins lost their father about 10 years ago, and my dad has been like a father to them since. Please pray for me as well.
