It was just another hot day in Nicaragua sharing the gospel door to door. I went up to one house accompanied by three other girls and one of the local pastors. One woman answered the door. Her name was Mercedes.
One of my biggest questions in this type of ministries had been, “When you meet another Christian, what do you do then?” Usually what happens is we briefly pray with them, engage in awkward conversation, and then go on our way. I wanted to go deeper, regardless of whether or not the people we encountered already knew Christ. This time around, I got the feeling that I needed to stay in tune to what God was speaking whenever I encountered these people. If I could just manage to do that, then I could speak out whatever it is God has to say to that person. This kind of thing makes me nervous mainly because I get super caught up in “what if I happen to be wrong?”
It’s so so so so easy to continue to live in petty fear. I could fear that people with think I’m ridiculous, or crazy, or some fake pushy believer when trying to step out in faith. I could worry that they will make me feel awkward or uncomfortable. But as the years go by I’m starting to develop a new fear altogether.
That I won’t take advantage of the time and opportunities the Lord has given me.
We were talking to Mercedes and asked her a bunch of questions about what she thought of God and what a personal relationship with Jesus looked like. She really seemed to have a groundedness in understanding who Jesus is, what he has done for us, and what it means to have a relationship with him. She asked us to pray over her mother and we did. Shortly after I felt as though I ought to listen to what God has to say.
I asked, “God, what do you have to tell me about Mercedes?”
He answered, “Tell her that I have seen her love and faithfulness to me. I have gifted her in many different areas and I want her to press into that more. She is loved and can bring great value to my kingdom.”
I thought this was a little too simple and cliche. Normally I would ignore what I thought I was hearing and just carry on saying our goodbyes and “nice to meet yous.” But I decided that now was the time to speak out. No more ignoring God’s voice. I told her what I heard.
All of the sudden this woman was in tears. Not a tiny glisten in the corner of her eye–she was like heavily sobbing. She told us that she had always felt as though she were completely unworthy of Christ’s love and forgiveness, and that terrible things had happened to her because she deserved it. This woman had struggled with feeling completely worthless, and that what God was speaking meant a lot to her. She then proceeded to tell us more of her story.
When she was a little girl, this woman lived in a neighborhood filled with people that belonged to the same occult group. They used to torment and cast spells on her and other people in the neighborhood. One day, when she was only eight years old she was raped by one of these occult members on the side of the road. She had barely told anyone about it and continued to struggle with the shame, the self blaming, and anger.
That was when one of my squamates pitched in to share her own story (which had many similarities) and talked about the importance of Christ’s forgiveness. Not only about knowing and resting in the fact that Jesus had made her clean and still loves her, but learning to forgive the man that had done that to her. Mercedes didn’t think this was possible as this man was a total stranger and had no grounds for abusing her. But we continued to tell her about the power of the Holy Spirit that resides within her. She might not be able to forgive on her own strength, and forgiving might be a process, but walking in that would cause her to walk in freedom. She didn’t seem that eager to forgive, but we prayed over her asking that God would heal her heart and to help her to work out her forgiveness.
I wish I could say I had loads of advice on the subject of pain and unforgiveness. Everyone goes through pain–but oftentimes I feel as though my ability to speak life over it is severely limited because of my lack of experience (not exactly a bad thing.) However, I’ve learned that relying fully on God is the only thing that can help me to minister.
God understands your pain.
God understand where you’ve been.
Only God can heal you.
That is the reason I cannot rely on my own strength. That is the reason I must rely on the Holy Spirit to speak into the lives of others. In a lot of these circumstances, I barely do anything. All I did was ask God what I should say. Those were His words. And even then, He provided us with a teammate who had wisdom and the ability to speak truth over her based on real experience. You can spend all sorts of time doing things for God. But only if you do things with God, there will be victory.
