I got cold feet.
Not literal cold feet, although this seems plausible as I am currently facing January weather in Minnesota.
But cold feet from raising support. Cold feet from taking the next steps to prepare for what God has called me to do. Cold feet from completely and totally trusting in God with my whole experience with the World Race.
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November:
a busy time in any college student’s life. On top of this, I was freshly initiated into the World Race and asking anyone and everyone how to raise support. The more answers I got, the more I was scared.
“You need to do it all between Thanksgiving and Christmas ‘cause that’s when people are in the giving mood.”
“You should probably not do it after Christmas ‘cause everyone is out of money.”
“Talk to them first so they remember who you are and then send them a letter.”
“Send them a letter then call.”
“You could probably just email them.”
And the list of advice continues. Not that these are bad suggestions and that I don’t appreciate my friends’ and family’s wisdom and insight. But in the midst of the semester ending and my first time raising a large amount of support, it was incredibly overwhelming.
With a three week timeframe before Christmas and the pressure I felt to raise support perfectly, I printed out eight support letters from the $3.20 I had left on my school print account. Within the week I sent out the letters and was sure I had done everything by the book.
While waiting for time to pass before following up, I remembered I forgot to put my contact card/support card in with the letters and, also, didn’t have anybody’s phone number. Beginning to doubt my abilities to successfully raise support, I scrambled to reverse-look-up everyone’s number White Pages.
I became more and more nervous as I realized I’d actually have to call these people (many who were distant relatives I may or may not have met once) and tell them about what God has called me to do and humble myself by asking for partnership and support. Every day leading up to Christmas I would sit with my phone and the list of these eight phone numbers and keep telling myself that I had to call them.
“What if they don’t believe in God? What if they don’t even know who I am? What if the phone conversation is super awkward and I stutter or word-vomit on them or something???”
With these excuses, Christmas and, eventually even, New Years passed and I didn’t call a single person. Because I was frozen in fear.
Then a week after New Years I felt God speaking to me during my morning time with Him: Call them.
“Uhh.. what? Who? The people I sent a letter to a month ago and said I’d get back to in a few days and totally never did?”
Call them.
“Great alright. Great…”
And so that night, I sat with butterflies in my stomach holding my phone and the list of eight phone numbers yet again. And, yet again, I began to get cold feet.
“Alright, yeah so I’m just gonna put this stuff away….”
Just call Sally**.
“Dude, whoa, wah’, why Sally?? Well, she was nice when I met her 10 years ago…”
Picking up the phone, I very slowly typed in her number and pressed ‘call’.
“dontanswerdontanswerdontanswerdon–”
“Hello?”
“Ohh hi Sally!!”
Sally and I ended up having a 45 minute conversation about not only the World Race, but also my life as well as her life. As painful as it was to call Sally at first, in that phone conversation I not only formed a partnership with her for the World Race, but I also got to reconnect with her as a friend and family member!
After calling her, I went onto my “fundraising information” tab and saw that one of the eight people I had sent a letter to had supported me financially! Even though I had left no information on how to support me in the letter and hadn’t called them, they went out of their way to find out how to support me! Even though I hadn’t done the whole “support letter” thing step-by-step and perfectly, God had still allowed doors to open!! In my failure He was stronger!!
So I’m writing this to tell you, dear reader, two things:
First, that in whatever you are doing that you may be catching the “cold feet syndrome”, it’s okay. It’s okay to not be perfect and it’s okay to have some worries. But don’t let the fears and doubts stop you from doing what God has called you to do. Even if they do, I am confident that if it is truly something God is calling you to do, He will find ways to open doors. And in the midst of your weakness, He will teach you to trust in Him.
Second, that when it comes to raising support for the World Race or, really, any situation in my life, I’m not going to be perfect. I’m going to have an awkward phone conversation with someone (maybe you!) and misspell a word in a message and sound nervous when presenting at a church and… the list goes on. And yes, when I look at how I am doing from my standards and comparing myself to others, I’m going to feel like a failure. But I’m writing this today to say that it’s okay! Because when I rely on God for strength and understand that in His eyes it’s completely already provided for, I can have confidence to keep trying and to move my feet again.
“Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling.” Psalm 66:9 NLT
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2 NLT
**Name has been changed to an ambiguous name that I do not personally know anyone who has. It’s a nice name though!
