In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about the gift of singleness. He suggests that, if you are able, stay single- then your whole focus in life can be on God, rather than the worldly “stuff” that comes with being married.
Christians, in my experience, tend to store the passage in 1 Corinthians in their arsenal of “Jesus-y” encouragements, ready and waiting for a single person to hint at their frustration, (“Look, even Paul says it’s better to be single- you’re so lucky!”).
Christians love the Paul reference when they find out I’ve never had a boyfriend, or, better yet, I’ve never been on a date. It goes hand in hand with, “You are so lucky to not have any regrets when it comes to love.”
Which isn’t exactly true.
Once upon a time, I met a boy, let’s call him Mike, in middle school youth group. Mike and I “dated” for a few years on and off. By “dated” I mean, snuck off during church lock-ins and sent emails back and forth. (No texting- only dial-up Internet and emails or AOL chat. #oldschool) I was never in love with him, even by middle school standards, but it was nice to be noticed; like many kids my age, I was self-conscious about my appearance. I had frizzy hair, glasses, and no fashion-sense to speak of, not to mention I was above average in height and, most importantly, weight.
One day, early in high school, after a couple years of “dating” I was talking to a mutual friend about my relationship and it suddenly struck me as odd that Mike and I had never actually gone out on a real date. I said something to this effect, and I will never forget my friend’s response. She looked me square in the eye, and with a condescending tone which implied I should’ve already known what she was about to say, she replied, “Laura, you and Mike have never gone on a date because he is embarrassed to be seen with you.”
To an insecure little girl, I cannot tell you how cataclysmic that was to my self-worth.
To a confident, secure-in-Christ, 25 year-old, that memory still threatens my self-worth. So much so, I struggle to even think of it, let alone type it.
What my friend said confirmed something that I already knew in my 13 year-old heart; that, in regard to boys, I am unlovable. I am ugly. I am fat. I am disgusting. I am not worthy. For better or worse, it was one of my defining moments of my life; I would not be who or where I am without it.
Unfortunately, many girls have similar experiences and, due to their loss of self-worth, pursue a dark and promiscuous path, just wanting to be loved and accepted. I sprinted in the opposite, yet somehow still destructive, direction. I promised myself I would never put myself in that position again, I would never be hurt again, I would never date. I built up walls that I have maintained to this day, so many years later.
While I “knew” in the eyes of guys I was unwanted, I praise God I knew, even then, in the eyes of God I was cherished. God used the following years of singleness to draw me closer to Him. I no longer believe the lies I believed when I was young- I know I am loved, beautiful, and worthy, because I am the daughter of the King. I am secure because I know who I am in Christ. He defines me…
But I’m still not dating.
Partially because I would have no idea how to actually have a boyfriend, it’s a foreign concept to me at this point.
Partially because I’m headed out on the World Race and they have asked us to not pursue relationships until we’re back.
But mostly because I no longer see how a relationship would fit into the life that is unfolding in front of me. Who knows, God could always surprise me, but, right now, I have dreams that don’t factor in a man. I want to travel. I want to run a ministry. I want to be independent. Yes, women can (and I know women who do) have a family and run a ministry simultaneously, and they do it beautifully, but that isn’t the life I see God giving me. No matter how much I may want a relationship, I want to follow the path God has set for me more.
All of that being said, I sometimes feel like I have been set at a disadvantage; never having dated sets me apart in ways I don’t know how to overcome. Honestly, no offence to Paul, but in a world where singleness is an anomaly, it is a struggle to relate to others.
For example, how do I give advice to the friend who wants to know what she should do for her boyfriend for Valentine’s Day?
How do I advise a friend who comes to me as she is trying to determine if she should marry her boyfriend? How does she know if he’s “the one”?
How do I console a friend who just left a long-term relationship that has spanned her entire adult life?
Having no experience in the dating world, how do I relate to the women around me, when relationships are, typically, the main cause of hurt in their life? I can sympathize, but I can’t know what they are feeling.
This is what I know: His grace is enough for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9a). I don’t have all the answers, and that’s a good thing. Where I fall short, where I am uncomfortable, in the situations I know I have no idea what I’m doing- that is where the work of Christ can be seen the best in my life. I may not have personal testimony about a certain situation, I may not understand exactly what you are going through, but I can point you to Christ, Who knows, without a shadow of a doubt, exactly what you are going through, how you are feeling, and better yet, the final outcome.
There will be a lot on the Race that I cannot relate to- poverty, prostitution, sickness, abandonment- but, however difficult those challenges may be, they are still superficial compared to the need in all of us for a Savior, and that is something I can relate to.
