As a child, I assumed I would marry early and have a handful of kids and that would be my life. In my late teens/early 20’s, I realized that life wasn’t happening, so I decided to squash my desire for a husband and children; I figured if I ignored and denied my feelings, they would, eventually, go away.
For years I have adamantly refused to date or, really, to have any relationships (i.e. solid friendships) with men that required any sort of vulnerability or intimacy. I’m a hot bowl of rice that don’t need no side dish- I took pride in being independent and self-sufficient. Throughout my life I have attempted to manipulate myself into wanting less than I actually did.
To be honest- there is quite a bit I want in life.
- I want a husband and children.
- I want to get an apartment downtown Minneapolis and fill it with unique and beautiful things. I want to work in a coffee shop/bakery. I want to explore my desire to write and dedicate some time to growing in that regard. I want to travel and take beautiful photos. I want to go to concerts. I want to go to the theater.
- I want to live in the country. I want to own some land and grow my own food. I want to get back into camping ministry and pursue the beauty that is providing a space for people to “get away” and dedicate time to seeking God in nature.
- I want to fill a role in my church. I want to help plan activities and service projects, lead a small group, and worship and fellowship with my family. I want to make disciples that make disciples.
- I want to learn to scuba dive. I want to hike to the tops of things and swim to the bottom of things. I want to explore beautiful old churches and castles. I want to see the pyramids.
- I want to go to college and study everything. I want to read everything. I want to see Shakespeare performed at the Globe Theater. I want to frequent the Louvre and the MET.
In high school, I was obsessed with figuring out “God’s will for my life,” so much so, it paralyzed me. I was convinced I wouldn’t choose the right path and I would end up having huge regrets. I couldn’t decide on a “life path” because I wanted so many conflicting things. I couldn’t have it all and I didn’t know how to choose between so many appealing options.
I wanted God to give me a road map to follow, or, at the very least, an idea of the final destination and I could work backwards to fill in the blanks on how to get there.
Obviously, God (usually) doesn’t work that way. I have learned over the years that the only way to figure out what choices to make is to draw closer to the One who knows you better than you know yourself. As I have drawn closer to Him, opportunities have presented themselves and I have stepped out in faith. Now, have there been some *interesting* times? Heck yes! But as I have let go of my control and lived life one step at a time, He has been there through it all and has caused even my missteps to work out for good.
“So”, you may ask, “what does this have to do with the Race?” Good question!
I want so much in this life; there are a dozen conflicting scenarios I wish would play out, but I have learned to distinguish between the things I want and the thing I want MOST.
I want a husband and babies. I want adventure and culture and art and music. To put it like my favorite princess, Belle-
However, what I want MOST is to see God’s Name brought to the nations. What I want MOST is to further my Father’s Kingdom.
For me, right now, that means I’m going on the World Race. Next year that might mean something completely different… but I’m not worried- I will continue to draw closer to God and step out in faith, confident that He will guide my steps.
