With the change in weather, I’ve taken to walking to and from work. I use the time in the morning to wake up and mentally prepare for my day, and the time in the evening to unwind and let go of some of the rougher moments of the day.
Usually, I listen to worship music as I walk, and, yesterday, the Rend Collective song “The Cost” came on. A reference to Jesus’ words in Luke 14, some of the lyrics are as follows:
Jesus, take my all
Take my everything
I’ve counted up the cost
And You’re worth everything
I’ve counted up the cost
Oh, I’ve counted up the cost
Yes, I’ve counted up the cost
And You are worth it
I’ve heard the song a hundred times before but this time it struck a chord with me.
Have I counted up the cost for my World Race? Is it worth it?
Obviously, I know the financial cost… or do I? It seems like more expenses pop up every day. Gear, medication, student loans, other bills, in-states travel expenses, lost wages at work during training, spending money… all things I didn’t really think about when I signed up in February.
What about the cost relationally? There have been moments, blips in time, I have wanted to pursue but I am unable to- whether that be because of the “no-dating” clause in my agreement with AIM (not a common issue) or because I simply don’t have much time left before launch to pour into brand-new friendships (a much more common issue).
What about the friends I’m leaving? My daycare babies? My family? My church family? 11 months is a long time- I am going to miss so much.
The emotional cost is a huge can of worms that I am not going to open here. Suffice it to say, leaving the comfort of the shadows I have inhabited for so long to travel the world in the name of Jesus with people I have yet to actually meet… is proving to be stressful and emotionally stretching.
The cost to my pride- I hate looking weak and foolish and like I don’t have everything under control. Everything from the fundraising to the physical endurance test to the blogging to the packing to the chatting with my squad-mates, at one point or another, requires me to humble myself and be vulnerable and ask for help. None of that I am good at.
I could go on… but it all comes back to this: Is it worth it? In my mind, in my soul, is it worth giving up everything?
I’m counting the cost, looking at my sacrifices, in a pile on the floor, and stacking them, one by one, like a brick tower. Right now, the tower is taller than I am, I have to stand on my tiptoes to place the remainder of the blocks on top, but I continue to pile them on…
“A year of my life…”, “I thought I would be married by now…”, “What if we miss our shot…”, “I am so going to get sick…”, “My sick family members, friends… they aren’t doing so well…”, “I could really move forward at my job over the next year…”
I think Jesus tells us to stack those blocks, count the cost, and see just how big our tower of sacrifice is- so we can see how small it is in comparison to His.
Jesus gave everything, including His life, on the cross to save us, yes, but, ultimately, Jesus gave His life to be obedient to His Father.
I am giving up much, putting many things on hold, losing opportunities that I wish I were able to pursue… because my greatest desire is to be obedient to my Father.
*This obedience isn’t something I’ve scraped together, something I’ve mustered up the strength to do- it’s a call on my life that has been burning it’s way through me, born of the Holy Spirit when I gave my life over to Christ. It’s not a call only to the World Race; although the WR is a part of my story, I am answering a call to complete faith in and total obedience to the One who knows the whole of my story- because He wrote it.*
I’ve counted up the cost. Jesus is worth it.
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Thanks for reading, friends. Please feel free to subscribe to my blog. You’ll get a notification when I post an update- which is going to be handy when I am on the field with limited internet access. 🙂
Also, please feel free to partner with me and donate towards my race- I have a ways to go, but I am confident the Lord will provide! Thank you.
XOXO
