“You have more kindness in your little finger than many people have in their whole self.”
I look at my teammate, Conner, more than a tad skeptical. As a team, we were giving each other feedback and Conner was calling me out, encouraging me to walk in the kindness God has placed in my heart. I have been told similar things in the past, by him and by others on my squad, but I still don’t really believe it.
I’m not a good person.
Really.
I, somewhat seriously, call myself the worst missionary (perhaps the worst Christian) ever.
I’m rude. I really am. Most of the time, I have the wherewithal to not say a rude comment out loud, but you can bet I’m thinking it.
I swear. A lot. Again, mostly in my head but sometimes out loud, depending on the circumstances.
I am usually less than thrilled to do my assigned “ministry time.” I’m on a missions trip, for Pete’s sake! I should be sold out to go to ministry but sometimes the “yes” in my spirit is a begrudging one, to say the least.
Sometimes when people are praying, instead of approaching the throne with reverence, I count how many times they say the word “Lord” (or “Jesus” or “just” or “Father God”) just because it’s funny… and kind of irritating.
I’m selfish. My “independence” boarders on “shutting people out most of the time because I don’t have energy to expend on anyone but myself.”
I do not have a regular “quiet time” with the Lord. This one is getting a little better due to some changes I’ve made in my prayer life, but still, I am rather inconsistent.
I’m hurtful. My responses, especially in a negatively charged environment, are mean. I’ve been called every name in the book, from “ugly-hearted” to “b****”. Also, I pick fun of people to get attention; I put the people I love down so I look better. It’s a bully mentality- I hate it.
Comparison is huge on the Race and I’ve been struggling with it on and off for the past 6 months. This month in particular, I’ve been comparing my “fruit” to the fruit of my teammates. (I have blogged a little about this before.)
In the Bible, it talks about the evidence of our faith in God being the fruit of the Spirit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
I’ve typically seen this verse as a list of fruit (plural) to check off in comparison to the people around me. How’s my love? How’s my patience? How’s my joy?
But, taken another way: the fruit (singular) of the Spirit is love. Love is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Love is more than an emotion, it’s a decision and an action, but you can’t really see evidence of it on it’s own, the actual evidence of love in my life is the combination of my joy, my kindness, my goodness, etc.
I’ve been ruminating on my general unkindness lately. I’ve been snappy with my team, staunch in my gracelessness- and they have loved me well through it, but it’s been weighing on my heart. I have been questioning the legitimacy of my faith due to my, apparent, lack of fruit (love) in my life. How can I be a Christian if I treat my fellow brothers and sisters this way?
Last night, I was sitting with my team and God spoke to me about my heart. Whether He just dropped this desire in my heart last night or simply showed me the desire He’s been building for a while, I’m not sure, but I know one thing: I want to be kind. I want my life to be characterized by kindness.
Obviously, I want the Spirit to be evident in my life through ALL of the fruit, but kindness, specifically, is on my heart. I desire a kind heart that produces kind words and kind actions. Authentically! I don’t want to fake being kind- I’m great at that- but I want my heart to be genuinely kind due to the Spirit’s influence in my life.
I don’t know what that looks like, but it’s my project for the next 5 months, at least. Beyond simply adding some good deeds or behaviors to my life, I am asking God to thaw my heart and give me His kindness. I can’t do this on my own, but I know He will prune the unfruitful aspects of my life until I am the best version of the person He has made me to be: a reflection of His Son, exuding His love.
Love,
-L
