We just got back from our first night at ministry. This month, my team and I are working with Lighthouse in Action by going to the red light district and ministering to the women in the bars. The hope is, we will be able to point them to Christ and set them up with our host who can help them leave the world of prostitution.
Every day we do a prayer walk around the city. In the afternoons we go out to the bars and chat with the women as they get things set up for the night. We worship as a team after dinner and then some will head out for the night while the others stay back and pray.
Tonight we went out for a short while, just to check out the area. I was with a couple of my teammates and our squad mentor, Jeremy. We walked for a good 40 minutes or so, just getting the lay of the land, and then we decided to go hang out at a bar a friend who was here last month told us to check out.
We had Cokes (or Sprite), hung out for about 20 minutes or so and then headed back to meet up with the rest of out teams. There were a couple men in the bar hanging out with the women (or, more accurately, ladyboys) but, overall, it was pretty quiet. If I didn’t know what I was looking for, I would’ve just felt like I was hanging out with friends at a bar back home. But I saw. I saw what was happening.
We got back to our meeting spot and had a debrief with the other groups, others shared stores that were so much more difficult than anything I thought I might experience. We prayed together, but after hearing their stories I bolted at the first opportunity to run. I realized on my way down the stairs that I was in fight or flight mode and my brain was striving to reject anything I had seen or heard tonight. Over the past few weeks, God has been working in my heart and having me lean in and ask for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I felt in that moment that I needed to go back to the place, and the people, I was running from. So I went back upstairs and found a teammate and grabbed her hand. Instantly, I began to panic as I tried to explain what was happening. She had me sit down and offered to pray for me.
She started her prayer, asking God to help me, and I cut her off mid-sentence.
I was so angry in that moment, so angry at myself. How dare I take the awful and heartbreaking experiences of others and pass them off as something I need help with? These women, these ladyboys, are daily living a nightmare. They are being forced to sell their bodies for almost nothing and they have perfected their performance and it seems, to an outsider, that they love their jobs. These women have gone through more than I have ever even began to experience- how dare I be upset over having to see one or two instances of it over a Coke with friends?
I was angry at myself, in that moment, for being so weak. So I interrupted her prayer and walked away. We should be praying for them, not wasting words or time on me.
I don’t want to hide any of this, which is why I’m blogging it less than an hour after it happened, raw and unedited. I don’t have any answers for you, I don’t have a way to tie this up with a shiny bow…
Other than this- I am more than a conquerer in Christ. Christ will have the victory. I believe these women will be attracted to the light my team and I carry and that we will be able to point them to the King of Hope.
Day 1 is over, it’s time for bed. Day 2 is coming up fast.
xoxo
