Our first week of ministry in Thailand is over and, like many experiences on the Race, it was difficult in ways I never expected. However, I am finding the time out at the bars in the evening is usually fun- we laugh, talk with people, enjoy Cokes, and generally, just have a good time. While we are there, we do what we are supposed to do- act like tourists, act like we have no idea what is actually going on there.
I have made some friends and one, in particular, Pim, is close to my heart. I have enjoyed getting to know her over drinks at the bar and outside of the bar over coffee- she is so fun and so sweet! When we met her at the bar the first time, she had a lot of time to sit with us and tell us about her life. I went back to her bar this past Friday night, hoping and expecting to have the same time with her. We walked down the alley, towards her bar, and I saw her, with a man’s arm around her. She caught my eye, looked at the man, it was obvious she couldn’t talk then, but she mouthed that I should come back later. We moved on with a plan to end our night there.
A squad mate and I ended up at a bar down the alley and she was able to talk to two men from Germany and share her testimony- what a powerful moment (you can read her story here). I sat at a table behind her, thinking of Pim and praying for her, praying for the men walking past me, the other women in the bars, and for my squad mate and the men she was talking to. I sat there, sipping my coke, for almost an hour and had the opportunity to observe the world around me uninterrupted. There are many more women working in the bars than there are customers, it was interesting to see little groups of people- one man sitting with 5 or 6 women. Eventually, he would pick one or two and they would leave, the other women moving on to their next potential customer.
It was getting close to the time we were supposed to be back home and I was disappointed I wasn’t going to be able to go talk with Pim over a drink. A woman walked by selling flowers and I felt the Lord telling me I should buy some to bless Pim with. I bought a lovely bunch of roses for the USD equivalent of a couple bucks. The conversation between my squad mate and the men ended, she was able to pray with them, and we headed back down the alley to say goodbye to Pim, flowers in hand. On the way, I noticed the bars seemed unusually empty, many of the women were sitting outside, waiting for men to pass by. When I got close to Pim’s bar, I was overwhelmed with how crowded it was; I saw her, surrounded by men, and my heart broke. She was laughing as a new group of men were fawning over her, grabbing her; to an outsider, it would look like she was having the time of her life, but I know differently.
In that moment, I felt like a child. Naïve. A little girl lost in an adult world. The flowers I bought embarrassed me- they were a meager offering, insignificant in the grand scheme of what was happening. Knowing it wouldn’t be wise for me to walk in or interrupt, I walked away. I split up the bunch of flowers and passed them out to people as we walked home. When we were almost at the hostel, I set the remaining flowers on an abandoned food cart- I didn’t want to walk in with them, I didn’t want people to ask me questions about them.
We got back to the hostel to debrief the night, everyone was excited and happy, but I was just trying to keep it together until I could leave. They asked me to share and I mumbled an answer, as tears streamed down my face. When they left, I cried- the image of her, the knowledge of what was happening, the anger and sadness over the industry that profits by faking love, it was too much. I was reminded by a friend that there is hope- all isn’t lost, keep fighting, keep pouring into her…
As I was talking with the Lord, I realized, above my own sadness and anger, I felt God showing me His heart for Pim and all the women like her. He is waiting, flowers (and other crazy amazing things) in hand, waiting for her to come to Him. That image, Him waiting, heart breaking over what His daughter is going through… made me realize my pain and my heartbreak is just an echo of what He is experiencing, over and over again.
My heart is broken, so what do I do? Do I hide from this, embarrassed by my feelings, waste the time I have left in Thailand, ignore my friend, and leave in a few weeks? Or do I press in, not sitting in the sadness and pity but standing up and moving past it- soak in the love from the Father and continue to share that love with her? The “right” answer is easy enough to pick, living it, on the other hand, is not so easy.
My plan, Lord willing, is to go out as often as my host will let me (not more than 3 nights in a row). Following God and doing what He asks me to do needs to be my first priority. My heart is breaking, but, because the Holy Spirit lives in me, I will not break.
