I was looking at my different bank, etc., accounts this morning- looking at how much I have raised, how much I have yet to raise, what I need to pay off bills, perusing a spreadsheet filled with different amounts I have to save- money for shots (a couple thousand dollars…), other medical expenses, gear…
This is impossible. I thought I was moving forward when in actuality, I am farther behind than I was this time last month. A flash of panic hits when I realize I have mere MONTHS before I am supposed to leave. This realization leaves a pit in my stomach and I am riddled with anxiety and then I start to go into a tailspin.
This is too much. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Seriously. Not only am I not financially ready- spiritually, physically, emotionally, I am so not ready.
So I sit and wait on the Lord. It’s all I can do to not burst into tears while I sit, pray, and wait for His peace.
“The Lord will provide where He has called.”
A phrase I have said a hundred times since I began on this journey. A phrase, to be honest, I have hidden behind when asked about my trip. It’s so easy- and it sounds so “Christian”- to claim that the Lord will provide where He has called. What it comes down to is the faith behind the words- and many days, my faith is lacking.
I am blessed with two churches I attend, and the sermon I heard at my “home” church on Sunday goes perfectly with this. Pastor Chris told a story about missionaries overseas, and the people they were ministering to told them what they saw that was wrong with American churches. Basically- the Christians in America have so much, we don’t have to rely on God; while they themselves have so little that they have no other option than to rely on God.
Also on Sunday, Pastor Steve preached on the passage in Luke when Jesus sends out 72 of His followers (Luke 10:1-24). He sends them in pairs into the area around Him as a precursor to His coming to those cities. What struck me most is found in the second verse of the passage:
“And he said to them, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest…’”
Pastor Steve touched on something I never noticed before; the first thing we see of Jesus’ instructions to the 72 is Him telling them that the job is too big for them (the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few) so they need to pray that God will provide more workers.
Right away, the followers have to rely on God. They are told flat out that this is too much for them, so pray.
Both sermons convicted me of my need for God and my faith that He will provide. On days like today, when I am overwhelmed by the numbers, I am not overwhelmed because God or His promises have somehow changed; I am overwhelmed because I can’t make the numbers work and I don’t feel in control. These are the days that God is using to stretch me and show me where I need repentance and faith.
God doesn’t call us to things we can do in our own strength. He calls us to step out over the ledge and allow Him to catch us. He calls us to swim in waters that are too deep so we have no doubt of our need for Him.
In my head, on paper, I can’t see how this is all going to work out. This job is too big- so I pray. God hasn’t called me to the World Race because He knew it was something I could do on my own. He called me, and has given me this opportunity so I have to rely on Him like I never have before.
