(The title is a Supernatural reference, forgive me.)
Last night, the bars seemed more spiritually heavy than usual.
Last night, the “Johns” were creepier, the women more desperate, and there were more children filling the streets- more children out than I’ve seen thus far.
My first few nights out, I came back an emotional wreck. My heart was breaking because of what was happening and I felt such compassion and empathy for the women, and for the desperate, lonely men who filled the bars.
Last night, I came back unmoved and unfazed.
I realized I’m tired of feeling. Tired of being sad and tired of being angry. Tired… and calloused. I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed. I feel like my time, my effort, my heartbreak, isn’t FOR anything. What’s the point? To love these women well and then leave them? To be another in a long line of disappointments in their lives?
We were told at the beginning this would happen, this feeling of inadequacy; we are just picking up the baton, carrying it a few steps further than the Racers before us were able to go and setting the next teams up for success. I knew I would be feeling like my part in this grand plan is insignificant (even if it isn’t)- so why am I so surprised?
God created me to be a feeler, and to feel things deeply. Like, real deep. Like… overwhelmingly deep. I think He created me this way so I will always have to be dependent on Him if I’m going to function well- I can’t carry the depth of what I feel on my own, I have to give it to Him and walk in His strength.
Since coming on the Race, I have been learning how to balance- feeling my deep feelings without being ruled by them (a destructive “hurricane of emotion” as I’ve been called in the past). I’m trying.
I’m trying. I’ve been saying those two words a lot lately. I wish I could explain the depth of emotion behind them.
“I know my tone is harsh and makes people feel unheard and unloved… I’m trying…”
“I know I’m super emotional and I’m not sure how to handle it… I’m trying…”
“I know I get overwhelmed by being in a large group, asked to do things I don’t want to do… I’m trying.”
“I know I’m shy but I want to be able to talk with and get to know the amazing people God has placed around me… I’m trying.”
I am trying, please believe that. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to be more “Christ-like.” I am trying to be more involved. I am trying to “press in” when things get hard. I am trying to accept who I am and walk in my identity. I am trying to believe His truth and reject the lies I tell myself.
Last night before going out, we had a time of worship as a Squad. During that time, I realized I was frustrated and angry with God because of how He made me. I hate being tall, I hate being so crazy emotional, and I hate being shy. As I was processing through this with Him, He (somewhat randomly, in my opinion) asked me what I thought it would look like for me to spend a whole day being myself.
Not trying, just allowing Me to do My work in you.
Not trying to be the perceived “better version” of yourself that you’ve been striving towards (but never able to reach because it’s always just a little bit further).
Not throwing up walls and defenses to protect and strengthen your false self.
“What would it look like for you to just be you?”
I don’t have an answer right now… but I’m trying.
