Thailand was the hardest month of the race for me yet. I cannot honestly say that I enjoyed it. Before I went on the race, Asia was the continent I was most looking forward to, but in reality I found it challenging, frustrating and spiritually draining. Of all the times I felt that, it was most acute in Thailand.
Our month was spent in Nong Khai, an area of Thailand which has virtually no churches and very few Christians. Our ministry included evangelism and outreach, and teaching English. For one reason or another I really struggled to be motivated with outreach. I’d started the month full of enthusiasm for it, but the struggle of the language barrier gave way to lies that it was futile and how could I possibly a have an impact. Whilst I usually enjoy teaching, it was particularly tough as the children were often disruptive and disinterested. Motivation to keep positive and not get frustrated lacked.
A big frustration of the month was that due to our location, we could not have adventure days on our days off. While I saw pictures on Instagram and Facebook of my squad mates playing with elephants and cuddling tigers, I sat in my room with resentment and disappointment building. Why was God being so unfair and depriving not me? (See my next blog for some thoughts on this)
The spiritual climate in Thailand was oppressive. Everywhere we went we saw temples, idols and the Naga (a five headed serpent type creature which is worshipped). I found it repellent. I could feel the Enemy’s grip on the area. The Enemy used that oppression to oppress me. He filled my head with old lies, depressive thoughts and drove me away from God. I felt defeated and like there was no point any more. How could there be light amongst so much darkness?
With the weight of all this bearing down on me, I lost hope and honestly there were some days I struggled to even find a reason to get out of bed. What was the point in anything, everything is just meaningless right?
That was the month I was furthest from God, not spending any real time with Him. And I was a mess. But God was taking me to a new depth of relationship with Him. I finally realised just how meaningless, dark and hopeless my life is without Him. I knew that to an extent before, but often I would be complacent, not really thinking it made that much difference if I skipped a day or twos time with Him. Now I know just how desperately I need it.
In “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Day by Day” Peter Scazzero reminds of us Jacobs story and how he wrestled with God at the Jabbok brook (Genesis 32:22-26). This is when he was finally broken by God and radically changed. He began to live the way God had always intended, but at the cost of a permanent limp. That limp made him become totally dependent on God. Out of this weakness and need to cling to God, he became a great nation.
He writes: “In the same way, God sometimes wounds us in our journey with him in order to move us out of an unhealthy, “tip of the iceberg” spirituality to one that truly transforms us from the inside out. When these wounds come, we can deny them, cover them, get angry with God, blame others, or like Jacob we can cling desperately to God.”
I was wounded that month. I wrestled with God like Jacob. But what I want to encourage you with is that even in the midst of darkness and hopelessness, there is always light and hope. If you are in a dark place, do not count it as failure, do not give up, because God is fighting for you and wants you to bring you to a place of beautiful dependence on Him. So often we buy into the lie that we have to be strong, to be all together, that dependence is unhealthy. But it’s in our weakness that God meets us, and it is out of dependence on Him that we can be filled with His light, His hope and His strength. We can’t be filled with them if we never relent dependence on ourselves.
I have found hope, meaning and strength again, but only by spending time with God every single day, non negotiable. This is the commitment I am making for the rest of my life, because I would rather be healthily dependent on the one who is goodness, love, hope and light, than to be unhealthily independent on my broken self.
