Molly and I picking wildflowers…one of my top 5 favorite things to do!
JW was VERY excited about my birthday week!!!
Sister 🙂
Climbing trees is one of my top 5 favorite things to do as well!!!
Now I would be honored to share with you how God brought me here…
By January 2008, my parents had cut me off financially and took me of their insurance, I had failed out of school, was in a web of lies I couldn’t keep up with and was partying 7 nights a week. I felt hopeless. Romans 7:15 says ‘I do not understand what to do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.’ That verse is a perfect depiction of what was going on in my life. One month later, February 9th, I found out I was pregnant. This is what I like to refer to as the grand finale to the years of bad decisions I was making.
Ok, checklist time…
22 years old, living in a new city…check.
Working 60 hours a week as a waitress…check.
No health insurance…check.
Not speaking to my family…check.
Suffocating in my own web of lies…check.
Pregnant by a lying, cheating, drug dealer…check.
Feeling hopeless and not knowing what to do…CHECK.
The next step was deciding what to do with this baby. I could hardly take care of myself, how would I possibly take care of a child? Do I have an abortion? Do I keep the baby? Do I give the baby up for adoption? Will the baby have birth defects due to my heavy partying? How will I provide for a baby? How do I get health insurance? Who will be my doctor? What kind of prenatal care do I need to know about? These questions ran through my head every day, every hour, every minute. I felt like I instantaneously became an even bigger disappointment to my family and was embarrassed to tell my friends.
After i decided to keep the baby I applied for Medicaid, WIC and every website I could find that would give me information on being a good Mom. I found an amazing Christian doctor’s office (that took wonderful care of me and my baby) and figured out the hospital I wanted to have my baby. Having the ‘planner’ personality that I have, I started buying diapers and baby wipes every time I went to the grocery store so that when the baby got here I wouldn’t have as many to buy. I researched day cares and signed him up while I was still pregnant because there was a waitlist and I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. I researched the safest car seats, play pins, strollers, cribs, high chairs and changing tables. Every second that I wasn’t sleeping or working I was preparing myself to be the best Mommy I could be. I had no choice but to figure it out. I was all alone.
The only thing I liked about being pregnant was when I would feel him move. Feeling him kick and move around felt like I had little butterflies tickling my tummy. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever felt.
I picked the name Caleb Anderson for him because in the Bible Caleb is one of the two people that obediently follow Gods direction and make it to the promise land. I wanted my baby Caleb to always listen to Gods voice and follow the direction that He had for Caleb’s life. Unbeknownst to me God had a very different direction for Caleb’s life, one that I had never imagined.
On May 19th 2008, I went in for a routine visit with my doctor. She was unable to find Caleb’s heartbeat, but told me not worry and assured me this was not uncommon and that we would simply do an ultra sound to be proactive and make sure everything was okay. It was at that very moment that I knew my life was about to change. Although I had no cramping or bleeding, I didn’t need to see an ultra sound screening to know that my Caleb was gone. When we went into the room, I saw him up on the screen and saw that after 22 weeks baby Caleb’s little heart wasn’t beating anymore. I was flooded with a mix of emotions. First I felt relief because I wasn’t going to be connected to my drug dealer boyfriend (that I later found out was cheating on me and lived with another girl while I was pregnant) and relief because I had an opportunity at a somewhat normal life again. But I also felt heartbroken and devastated because I had finally accepted that this is how my life was going to be and had gotten excited to be Caleb’s Mommy.
For various reasons, mostly safety, I made the painful decision to deliver him. It was surreal to me to know I would be feeling labor pains for a baby I would never get to hear laugh or cry. I applaud every woman that has ever had a child because labor pains are INTENSE! After the first few contractions I immediately knew I wouldn’t be able to do this. My entire world suddenly was crashing. Everything caught up to me. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was out of my first trimester, I did EVERYTHING I knew to do, I didn’t miss a day of taking my prenatal vitamins, and I already had a closet full of diapers, wipes, car seats, strollers, clothes…everything was ready, I was prepared! This wasn’t supposed to happen! I planned everything out! This happens to people who don’t plan and don’t care if they’re a good Mom or not, but NOT ME!
Laying in that hospital bed my body was flooded with pain and devastation. I was in such pain physically and emotionally that I forgot how to breathe. I literally had to tell myself to breathe out and breathe in. Breathe in, breathe out. I couldn’t do this alone. I couldn’t do this without Him. God put a song in my heart, ‘I Surrender All.’ All to Jesus I surrender; ALL to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him; in His presence daily live. I recited that hymn over and over until everything was over.
I held my sweet Baby Caleb after I delivered him. He looked so precious and peaceful that I didn’t believe he was really gone. But as I lay there holding Caleb’s body, I knew that Jesus was holding him in Heaven. I was as certain then, as I am now, that God saved me for a reason. My doctors did an autopsy and amniocentesis and cannot explain why baby Caleb died. I don’t need a medical explanation. I now know why Jesus took him from me.
James 1:2-4 says ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’
Psalms 71:20 says ‘Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.’
2nd Corinthians 4: 7-9 says ‘But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.’
My heart was so heavy and full of heart ache that I was certain at any moment it would stop beating and that would have been fine with me. I did not think I would survive losing baby Caleb…but I did. Nothing could heal me. Nothing could fill the void I had. Nothing could make me whole again…. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Jesus took Caleb from me so I could share my testimony with other people and show them the restoration that He has given me. It has been two and a half years since I delivered baby Caleb and this is the first time I have had the courage to publicly share my story. It is very easy for me to put on a big smile, and pretend like nothing ever happened… but that accomplishes nothing.
2nd Corinthians 12:9 says ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.’
2nd Corinthians 4:6 says ‘For God who said ‘Let light shine out of darkness’ made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the Glory of God in the face of Christ.’
Matthew 5:14-16 says ‘YOU are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in this house. In the same way, LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise you Father in Heaven.’
