I’ve never truly understood or felt the Love of the Father as much as I did in Albania this past month. God opened my eyes of why we were all created and that is to be Jesus' Bride. Such a beautiful truth. However, on top of that remarkable realization I still was not fully confident as I knew I ought to be in my own heart.
There was still something missing, The presence that everyone else was feeling that i was not. The feeling that was not there, God’s true unconditional, forgiving, gracious, love toward myself and every individual on this earth whether they know him or not. He knows them by name, he knows the number of hair strands on their heads, he died for each and every person on the cross.
I was struggling because I thought I found the mystery to this distant feeling I felt with God. This distance feeling i felt for so long in my heart but wasn't disciplined enough to do anything about it. God never went anywhere i was the one that distanced myself from Him. There is so much more that I desire to know more about my Jesus , to have an intimate relationship with the one and only God. I was created to be Jesus’ Bride. Therefore, God has a plan for me, I am chosen, He knew me before time, He created me in my mother’s womb, He has me engraved on the palm of his hands. All amazing truths, but again, for some strange reason I was still not satisfied. I was still not fully convinced with who I was in Christ. The love of the Father seemed to be, not enough for me in my heart. I knew that it was true but I just didn't truthfully believe it.
In Albania God showed me the true meaning of agape love. I experienced it. He brought complete strangers into my life that soon became such precious gems in my life, People that came into my life that first month who were so hard to say goodbye to, the children that I connected with showed so much love and interest into my life and who I was. I broke down some nights overwhelmed by the love I was receiving from people who didn't understand my language. they loved me no matter what. God used the first month until now to tear away the brokenness of my heart, the ugly thoughts that I consumed my mind, the lies that I believed, the insecurities that i thought defined who I was. In that this month it made me a new creation in His Kingdom. It brought be to a new place in life. To really break the chains that I was holding onto so tightly in the life I was living. It was incredible to me to see the patience in the Albanian children with the language barrier and in that they wouldn't give up on me,that they wouldn't loose sightings what I was trying to communicate to them, that my Heavenly Father didn't give up on me even when I failed him constantly, he never failed me. they would take the time to go find a friend that knew English who could translate as best as they could, they would do hand gestures to get there point across, they showed so much care and love towards me. I felt the love that i haven't quite experienced it before but really knew it in my heart.
God is good, I know He is, I would say to myself. His plan is higher than mine and He “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” Ephesians 3:20. I knew all these truths in my head, but it was getting these truths to move to my heart. What was it going to take? I prayed for God to soften my heart, I prayed for him to take away all these feelings of restlessness and numbness but I was still battling the need to perform, to strive, to be somewhat good enough for God to love me and good enough for myself. Would I ever accept the love of the Father? Would I ever be able to love myself? Was I ever going to realize that God does not want to strike me down, but just wants to love me?
I realized I was like an orphan living without a home. I was living my life with apprehension, struggling with the fear of trusting, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of rejection and the fear of opening up my heart to love. I rarely feel the love of God's presence within myself if I could not be loved by the Father then no one’s love was going to be enough for me or was I going to be able to fully love someone in my life. If my love is not Christ's love than its no love at all.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving – kindness. Jeremiah 31:3
This simple realization changed my life forever. My home really is in God. My home is in heaven. It’s a place of rest, safety, love, compassion, and affirmation. God paid the ultimate sacrifice so I can find a home in HIM.
I am now learning what it means to be a beloved daughter of the king and how important that is. Now that I am finally feeling complete and finally at home I am working on myself. Healing from the wounds, breaking down the walls that have been built up, working on my perspective on life. A love that seeks humility, service, honor and value. A love that when people look at me that they will see Christ and not just from what i do but from who i am. That they will look on the inside of my soul. I know that my mistakes are covered by his grace and can really feel that in my heart. I feel I can finally love with an ever lasting love because I know and believe my royal place as a daughter of the king. I am alive and feeling all of this love for others that I have pushed away for years and thought it was impossible to feel this kind of love.
I feel an overwhelming flow of love from The Lord to pour out into the people that I come in contact with over this next year because I can't show love if I don't have the love of Christ in me and really believe it.
God is incredible, He brings so much freedom and if you keep following Him He will show you the most amazing love brought from heaven to earth that is truly better than life. Psalm 63:3
