It’s been about a week that I’ve been home in California.
I have not felt like myself. There’s many moments where I feel so alone.
I’ve had days where I’ve broken down in tears because of just simply how hard it is being back after living in so many different continents
I don’t expect you to understand me, even though parts of me wishes that would be the case in some ways. But it’s not and I have to accept that and be okay. Because it is all going to be okay.
When you look back on the days spent on the race, the good and the bad days.
Moving city by city. Country by country. Continent by continent. Month by month.
Meeting people all over the globe and simply being broken and giving your heart away to people alittle more every month, and The Lord uses those people to mend our hearts so beautifully. And loving people just how Jesus loves.
I have become a different me, someone that The Lord has refined, broken, molded more beautifully throughout the journey.
How can anyone understand it until they experience that for themselves?
Emotions flood your mind. It’s awful feeling to come home. How can it be this hard to come back to my hometown where I’ve live for 18 years and yet it be easy to adapt to every country I’ve been to in the last year?
The past few weeks I’ve felt lonely, sad, miserable, joyful, content.
Re-entry is difficult. My emotions are scattered between miles and miles, I find myself feeling like I have such joy in my heart to crying uncontrollably in a matter of a second.
I’m learning how to cope outside of The life that I lived on the race because it became so normal for me. In reality, I’m going through re-entry for the first time ever. It is difficult.
I am being real with you on how I’ve been feeling with being here.
I haven’t forgotten how to turn on the shower or turn on the dishwasher, I haven’t forgotten a lot of things.
The hardest part about being home is the feeling of being lonely. Who would ever want to feel that? I sure don’t, but it is what it is. Sometimes even if I’m in a room crowded with people that I deeply love. I feel so alone.
There’s going to be people who don’t understand and there’s going to people who don’t care.
That is the worst.
But I do have those friends who have lovingly understood what I’m going through right now, they may not fully get it. But they welcome me in when I’m a complete mess and just really figuring out a lot and processing about my trip. They show me that they care and that they want to hear about everything all the good and the not so good parts came out of the race. I treasure those friends because no matter how I am feeling I know that they will always be my biggest supporters. The Lord has blessed me with amazing friends who surprise me and I’m so happy to be with my loved ones.
I am ready to be out in the field once again. I’ve had my fix of America life and I haven’t even had in n out or chipotle. But that doesn’t even seem so important to me now. All I want is to be back in the field of loving African children. But right now I’m in the waiting process because it is necessary and important. But I don’t exactly like it. But I am here and I will just BE.
