I tell you this so that you can see how God worked in me to teach me lessons through this day. A week later we were scheduled to have a group go back to that same centre. It was our last day of ministry and no one would go. Everyone had had their challenges there and no one was excited at the prospect of returning. In my own selfish and sinful ways I believed that I had the right to refuse to go just because a child had pulled my pants down. I became self righteous and self seeking, only desiring to do what would be enjoyable. Then God got a word in. He convicted me of my terrible attitudes, and reminded me that I was not on this trip to do enjoyable things. I was here to love the unlovable, and that I wasn’t here to decide who I would love and who I would not love. God loved me when I am unlovable and full of sin, and I need to love others because of that love that He has given me. I had to love these chilldren even more precisely because not many others love them. I am supposed to be God’s love to others this year, and that is exactly what I was resisting. God really changed my attitude towards going there. So although I had adamently refused to go, I went back to Mark and told him I would go with him in the morning.
However, the lessons don’t stop there. That morning as we were waiting for the translator to show up I was praying that God would make the children clear minded for at least the few hours we would be there. I believed this would make it easier to be there, and that I would be able to love them better if God made them calm while we were there. This was the second opportunity for God to convict me of my selfishness. This prayer was a selfish prayer because I wanted them to be easier to love. If I truly wanted to be selfless and love them because God loves me, then I needed to pray that God would increase my love and my patience so that I would be able to love them just as they are. I needed God’s love to flow through me so that I would not see their craziness, and see them as children that God has created and whom He loves. Praying for their healing is not bad- as long as it is done out of love, and out of concern for the child, and not so that I don’t have to love crazy people.
The whole ordeal was difficult. It really amazes me that I made it this far into the race and I am just learning now to love the unlovable and to be selfless in that love. The “unlovable” in other countries were not unlovable to me, the beautiful children in Africa, the prostitutes in Thailand, then poor families in Peru. It wasn’t until there were people I found to be unlovable that I realized how self centred I am. I am trying to learn and see how I can move away from this and love all others, even those who are not so easy to love. Please pray for me as I learn this difficult lesson, that God would fill me with His love for people, and that I would be relying on Him to love people and that it is not my own strength, but His that is filling me everyday. Pray that I am able to become a person who always loves others more, and that I do not grumble at the opportunities God is giving me to love and to learn.
