Life is overwhelming me lately. The to-do list has been mounting and I feel it bringing me to my breaking point. So, I did what one is supposed to do when feeling overwhelmed…I escaped. I went on a 3 day hike with friends, miles away from anything or anyone. There was no to-do list, no phone or email to check, no house projects looming over my head, no dogs that needed attention. It was just me, surrounded by nature, lost in my thoughts. My two friends and I talked occasionally throughout the 33 mile trek, but mostly I was talking in my head; some to God and some to myself.
Day one (9 miles), my hip flexors were already throbbing. I also realized how boring I am and yet my mind moves around and around non-stop. Puzzling.
Day two (13 miles), I experienced how absolutely impossible life can seem and yet, when we can somehow find the strength to power through in spite of it, the reward is matchless. As we reminisced at camp that day about the impossible hike we just did, my friend had a funny and yet frightfully true statement, “There’s just nowhere to quit to.” I laughed at the time, but she was right and the same thing had crossed my mind just an hour before as I stared at the daunting 2 miles that went straight up. The thought to quit had entered into my head several hundred times as I climbed, but it wasn’t an option. We were so far from anything or anyone and that thought was exhilarating while also a little frightening at the same time.
Day three….well, day three was my favorite.
I was exhausted that morning when I woke up. I literally couldn’t pick up my legs to get out of my tent: “God, tend to these sore muscles.” I stretched and got everything packed and then had to pick up the heavy load (for the 209th time) and start our 11 mile day: “Lord, please give me endurance.” We started out and I was falling behind, trying to soak in as much as I could before we went back to the busy-ness of life, and also wanting to slowly ease my muscles into the long day ahead. While piddling, I stared off admiring the view. I was lost in my thoughts and a little frustrated because this trip wasn’t as spiritually renewing as I had hoped. I thought maybe getting away from the distractions of my day to day life, I would be able to encounter God in a different and more clarifying way.
But, alas. Nothing. Not a peep. And then I realized…it was because I never stop. I just go, go, go and my brain never rests. “Quiet my restlessness, Lord. Give me peace.” I paused in the middle of this hill, looking out at the amazing view of incredible rolling hills with nothing but green tree tops lining them and then I looked down at my feet. Something caught my eye. All the trails we hiked were covered in moss and leaves and rocks. This particular one was coated with many seasons of fallen, dead and dried up leaves. And as I stood there, one of the leaves seemed to be moving. Rhythmically. I stooped down and saw that it was actually a butterfly with the pattern of a dead leaf on it’s wings. The underside of it’s wings was a beautiful bright orange. And as I bent down, the thing flew up and landed right on my finger. Had I not paused, I would have missed this. It sounds silly but I almost felt like it was staring at me as it flitted it’s wings up and down on my finger. Time slowed and in that moment I finally heard my Abba, “Child, even when you think you can’t see me, I am always here. I am not hiding from you. I am with you.”
The mind is a creature ever constant in it’s turning around and around and around. It goes wherever it wants to until we decide to participate in the cycle. I spent the first two days trying so hard to find God, completely overlooking the fact that He was there with me and in me all along.
I met with many a giant slopes throughout that hike and my mind had tried to speak up, annoyingly when I was faced with them: “You can’t do this. Your legs are going to give out on you. You’re not strong enough for this. You should just quit now and turn back while you still can.” And as I stood there mid-hill and faced one of these gigantic and seemingly impossible slopes, feeling the weight of the 38lbs on my back, legs aching, sweat dripping and stomach growling, the high from the freedom of nature and my encounter with a beautiful butterfly gave me clarity and I made a decision: I was ALL in. Gradually, I picked up speed and gained a lot of ground and then found my way to my friends at the top where there was the most breath-taking view we had encountered yet.
The statement my friend, Judi, made echoed in my mind that moment. “There’s just nowhere to quit to.” We can’t escape trials and we shouldn’t try to. They are there to strengthen us and pull us closer to our Maker. And sometimes it is a slow and frustrating process, but a beautiful one that He longs to be a part of with us. And it doesn’t happen all at once; the journey to surrender is ONE step at a time. After another and another until we get to a moment of awe at the One who holds all this together.
As I think about taking off here in 60 days to literally the other side of the world, it has brought a lot of thoughts about what I am ‘quitting’ here and how ‘into this’ I have to be. I have to be all-in-dedicated to this because when I get over there, when I step off that plane and onto soil that is foreign with smells I don’t recognize and surrounded by people speaking a different language…there will be nowhere to quit to. There will be no turning around and coming back. Sure, that is an option, but not for me. Like the backpacking trip, I will have to overcome my tendency toward negativity and go all in; dedicated to take another step. ONE more step, and then another as I find my way to the hilltops that can only come after the hard valleys. But I will cherish the valleys because it is there, with mud in my face and scrapes on my knees, I find a dependence unlike any other on the One who can get me through it all. And when we find our way to the mountaintop, the path behind us is made more beautiful.
“Don’t be afraid. There must be the cross, there must be suffering, a clear sign that Jesus has drawn you so close to His heart that He can share suffering with you. Without God, we can spread only pain and suffering around us.” (Mother Theresa)
He suffered terribly and yet so beautifully for us. He suffered to such a depth we can’t even begin to comprehend and for those so far from innocent. I am the woman at the well; dirty and broken and thirsty for pure water. I don’t deserve it, but my suffering gets taken up in His and I am deeply united in this magnificent and beautiful love story. And I want so many others to be a part of it as well.
“For while we were still helpless, at the appointed moment, Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:8)
When someone suffers for and with another, there is a gap that closes between them. And on the other side of it; Hope. I had coffee with a friend who spent time ministering with an organization against sex-trafficking in Ecuador. As he described story after story he paused during one of them and said it perfectly, “In that moment, I understood what it was to be a light in complete and utter darkness.”
There is a boldness that comes when we step out when God calls us, to do what He asks of us. My friend could have said no and God wouldn’t have loved him any less, but he responded in action because of the action taken to save his life on a cross thousands of years ago. Because of his response to that amazing love, many of those in bleak darkness saw a glimpse of the love light of Christ and found HOPE. Am I afraid of the darkness? Sure, but I don’t have fear of it. I want to walk into it with boldness. “This is my child, with whom I am well pleased.” (Luke 3) He says that of me even before I go on this race and it is that assurance that makes me want to continue to run and live it well and to live it all for Him.
“He asks all, but He gives all.” (Thomas Kelly)
