Forgettable
(If you want to be encouraged and uplifted, I would just stop reading this now. Save yourself the torment. These words come from a very heavy heart and they hold weight I don’t even understand. So, proceed with caution.)
Twenty eight pounds. I started with 50, added about six over the course of 6 months, and got so tired of it all that I sent home my pack and 28 pounds of stuff this past month in Vietnam. I remember when I left for the World Race and was so worried about leaving the country for eleven months and not bringing enough. “What if I want this blue shirt I love wearing so much? Or my perfume when I just want to feel clean? Or these batteries? What if I can’t find them when I get overseas…then I won’t be able to brush my teeth with my electric toothbrush and my teeth will feel so gross and rot and fall out?” These were literal conversations I had in my head.
He provides exactly what we need and when. All the planning in the world only gives us the illusion of being in control when we go through the things we expect. But even then, being prepared for those things takes away from the depth of dependence we find in depravity. And eventually, we all go through things we never expected, but we’re never left to go through them alone. He has been teaching me that since I left the States 6+ months ago. He hasn’t left my side in all this time and I have never been without a meal or a roof over my head, even if it was steamed rice in a tent. And I had never felt more blessed in that moment of being so hungry and tired then when He handed me exactly what I needed at the very moment I did.
I think back on what was in that tent with me 3 months ago in Mozambique and I can barely remember all the things that were crowding my 4×6 foot nylon bedroom. And then it hits me…all of it is so forgettable. I could probably name off about a handful of things I sent home 2 weeks ago and that is only because He spoke directly to me about them:
sleeping pad, “I will give you rest”
sleeping bag, “My arms will always be around you to keep you warm”
clothes, “They get in the way of your true beauty
used journals, “Let’s embrace the future together, not holding onto things that have passed”
…all the rest, “I will provide. I already have.”
And on top of giving me these words, He also gave me a quote the very next day during our morning Advent by Ann Voskamp,
“You always travel further when traveling light.”
How intentional He is with me; this finite and insignificant little human. And just like all those items in my pack are forgettable, so am I. Now, I am not comparing myself to material objects, I am simply saying we are temporary, too. And yet, we all live like we have time to haul around 56 pounds of crap. WE DONT. Our lives are like little tiny blips on this great big giant, endless thing. Vietnam was so full of consumerism and it wore on me. I consume and acquire but none of it matters and only leaves me left feeling empty because ultimately, what I want out of those things when I buy them is to find validation; to be admired and to find purpose from them. But I already have all the validatoin I need when my identity rests on the One who made me for a purpose….
I have read stories about Christians who have died terrible, awful, painful deaths because of their faith. Their lives were so short and I never would have even heard of them if someone hadn’t written this tiny booklet that I decided looked interesting one day at a church library. People who died years ago doing the same thing I am doing today. And to what end? And all these famous presidents and world changers…if the history books stopped printing and were all burned, what would we really know of them? What is the point of this life if I am remembered? What will it gain me anything to be remembered once I’m dead? People talk about legacy and what it is to live on after you’re gone…I think it’s a way for us to make our own selves feel important; like we matter. It’s a way we try to justify death saying, “They died, but they’ll live on forever in our hearts.” No thank you. If I am living on in someone’s heart, then I did it wrong. I showed them the wrong person. I didn’t show them Jesus. I want people to say when I die, “Laura who? All I know is a woman who showed me Jesus and now I have Him in my heart.” Why does anything else matter? If I am living to be remembered, I am already dead. I’ve missed the point.
Aren’t we all searching for a point to all of this? I’ve had a lot of conversations lately with a dear friend who questions things….a ton….and in those questions we always circle back around to this big nagging question, “What’s the point?” Maybe there’s not an answer, but I think it’s to love. To love well. And love done well is love found and given through Jesus. To point people to Him is my ultimate goal. I could do that a million and one different ways and in a million different places, but He just wants that from me. And to do that well, I think it’s important to remember that we are forgettable. Seems like an oxymoron, but it’s a simple truth that can bring us all a sigh of relief if we cling to what the other piece of it is; that an unforgettable God loves us to infinity. He proved it on a cross. He is unforgettable and infinite. He chose to create us in His image to bear His image to the world around us and we broke that, but He restored it. And He decided we would get to live forever with Him in eternity by maintaining our own smallness and making much of Him. To remain forgettable so He would be remembered. That is worship. A life lived surrendered in worship is a life lived pointing towards Him always and in all ways.
I say all of this and yet!! My fickle, hypocritical heart is sad at how easily forgotten I have felt since leaving the country. I am ashamed that part of my motive in leaving was to feel missed; that people would find that I had an impact on their lives and they wish I was still in it. But, luckily God knows my heart and He knew my pride needed to be squashed a little (or a lot). He sent me to all these places not to leave my loved ones behind, but to take them with me. And I know I haven’t done a great job of that. I know I could be doing it better. It takes time and intentionality and I am already doing that in such more of an extreme way here on the Race with people around me. Can I really make room for more? And in that is such a juxtaposition; I realize I am making them feel forgotten.
I write all this from week 2 in Cambodia. I have been living out of a small daypack for almost a month now. I have lived in 3 different places and I have yet to miss anything in that 28 pounds I sent home. I have had a mattress on the floor in Phu Quoc, Vietnam, an actual bed in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, and now I sleep in my hammock every night in a barn in Kamong Speu, Cambodia (aka farm town). I have yet to miss a meal. I have found thanksgiving and worship to be the thing that has been the biggest fruit of this decision. Since the dependence I have upon Him is so much greater, so is the gaze I have rested upon His face…in trouble or in peace. I have had less things to worry with, which has made packing super fast! As my hands are freer, so my heart also has felt lighter.
To my people back home who have supported, encouraged, and prayed for me…I wouldn’t be here without you. Our unforgettable God unites us in His unfathomable goodness and I feel His love from all of you, which then echoes out from my heart to those around me. The Jesus in you is unforgettable.
