There is much to be said about this season the Lord has me in right now. It is not one of barren fruit, even though that is what it feels like at times. I get stuck thinking ‘I can’t see the forest through the trees’ some days. It started at the beginning of the month of November; team changes. Something I was dreading because I truly fell in love with my Team, the Sonflowers. Women who challenged me, pursued, encouraged and chose “in” to the unbelievable adventure the Lord had us on together. I fought against the reality that we would have to say good-bye in Nepal. India was such a beautiful last month together, and I wanted to soak in that for a while longer. We can weigh down moments in time by being fully present, but still it moves. It just keeps moving no matter how much we might beg and plead with it not to. And the reality that change was coming came too soon for me in Nepal…
Our leaders (Travis, Alysa and Zach) sat down with Amy, Danny and I and asked us a question I wasn’t prepared to answer: “Will you three be the Squad Leaders for U Squad?” I still hadn’t even fully accepted that our incredible alumni squad leaders, Zach and Alysa, were leaving us at the end of the month, and now you want me to fill those shoes? No way. And as I sat in that room, looking at the other two beside me, it really sank in that the Sonflowers were almost gone. I wanted to run and find them and hug them and ask them for prayer and dance and sing together like we would do in moments like these. We did the hard stuff together and we sought the Lord together in them and we had learned how to do it really well. But I wouldn’t be able to do that this time. As we were deciding, they asked us not to speak with anyone about it except leadership and each other. We had 36 hours. I left the room feeling so humbled, honored, and absolutely terrified.
I went to bed that night and cried and prayed. Not really asking God for the answer, just wanting Him to hold me in the mourning and grief I was having to deal with on my own. I woke up the next day still feeling the weight of the decision I had yet to make. I went to a coffee shop with one of my dear friends, Gretchen, and we just chatted about life in India the previous month and we put our head phones in and had our own quiet times with Jesus. Sipping brewed coffee that was delicious, bundled up in jackets in an adorable coffee shop in Nepal. Jesus knows my heart. And as my heart delighted in such a sweet moment, He brought me close to His…
Glory. That is the word the Lord and I were working out together that morning. What is Glory? What does it mean to glorify Him? To be glorified? To go from one glory to another? This word is so hard for me to understand. It is like an ‘already, not yet’ kind of word to me which gets expressed but still has more to reveal. And just when I work out one aspect of it, the page turns and I feel like I am back to square one, looking at a new angle to this overly complex yet simply beautiful shining object in front of me. He stayed with me as I fumbled around with silly questions and pointed me to scripture, which brought more questions and then more scripture and on and on. After I prayed over some of the things He was revealing to me, I pulled my headphones out and Gretchen shared a beautiful spoken word the Lord had given her. She didn’t know it then, but in her words, I felt such assurance at God’s ability to hold me so gently through what was ahead. It had a big impact on my heart in that moment. And I heard the Lord saying, “Stay here with me. The decision will come and I’ll be with you in it, but for now I want you to just rest your gaze upon my Glory.”
The rest of the day was full of so many emotions. He knew I would need that focus and stability found in Him to get through it. We had our last meeting together as the Sonflowers with our squad mentor, squad leaders and coaches. We call it ‘Debrief’ because you go through the month and what you learned and what you’ll take away from it…only this time it was in regards to our entire time as a team and what we would take away from the last four months we’ve had together.
Tears. Heartache. It is ending. This is it.
They asked for one word to describe all that this team has taught me and as my big ‘take-away.’ The only word I could come up with was TRUST. I learned what it is to be really, really vulnerable and they showed me what it is to hold that vulnerability well. And through it, we learned to trust each other and that trust was rooted and grounded in our love for the Father. And through our trust for one another and how much it was soaked up in our love for Jesus, I learned to trust Him more, too. My girls left the meeting and our leaders held me back alone with them to talk. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready with my decision yet to squad lead or not, and I exhaled as they said that isn’t what they wanted. Whew. They wanted to share with me that we had done it well. It reminded me of the verse in which Jesus says, “Well done good and faithful servant” (Matt 25:21). The grief at the loss of these women in my life proves we did run the first leg of this journey well. It was so hard and messy at times, but at the end of it, we are crying because of a genuine love for each other. And that brings to mind other verses;
“Be devoted to one another in love” (Rom 12:10)
“Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34)
“And above all these, put on love, which binds all things together” (Col 3:14)
“Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30)
“Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for His friends” (John 15:12-13)
I left the room feeling seriously sad, proud, humbled, depressed, excited…just every emotion possible. The rest of that day becomes a blur. I had a conversation with Amy about the decision and she shared what the Lord had told her, “When I ask something of you, you’ll say Yes,” so I knew she was in, but the other one in the room with us, Danny; he was a wild card. It could go both ways and I couldn’t imagine doing it with one of them and not the other. So he and I had dinner that night and talked it out. I was still dwelling on Glory and hadn’t yet made a decision. We had a long conversation and we processed it together. Why are we here? What do we bring to the table in this? We called out the things we suck at, but also the things the Lord has gifted us with. And we promised to keep calling each other higher in this; that we would be teammates and support each other and point each other to Jesus, always. We got back from dinner and I saw Alysa. It was the decision deadline. She stared at me as I shrugged and gave her a thumbs up with a hesitant face behind it. She smiled and we hugged and I told her I was terrified. And she hugged me again and said, “You’ll do great! It’s going to be great!”
Team changes were announced two days later. Hopeful agony. That’s the only way I could describe what it felt like in that moment when my five sisters walked away to be with their new teams. I stood there, alone, and just wanted to cry. And so I did. Amy and Danny came and stood beside me and we all hugged. This was my new team. How this was going to work, I had no idea. But I knew who else was standing there in it with us and He does know, so that is where the Hope came in to pierce the agony of grief in my heart at saying goodbye to my family and starting over with a new one.
The rest of the month of Nepal was probably my hardest yet. Most days, I just wanted to call my girls. The saving grace of this whole thing was that two of them were raised up to be Team Leaders and one is a Logistics Leader so I am actually required to keep in touch with them regulrarly. Shucks. So great! At the same time, it was hard because I know there have to be boundaries in those relationships. They need to be present and press into their new teams, and I had to be present for training and then with the teams I’m assigned to for the month.
And then it hits me. Somewhere in the midst of all the decision-making and mourning the loss of my beautiful Sonflowers and embarking on this new adventure, He brings it all back. I can have assurance in this decision to take on this thing He asked of me because He gave me the answer already. I had prayed right before we landed in Nepal while we were peeking out the windows to get a glimpse at Mt. Everest, in the midst of the massive Himalayan Mountain range. This was a sight I had been dreaming of since we left the States back in July. I prayed a prayer during that moment (before all of this crazy mess of change happened) and after reading it again, I realize it all points to the one thing He wants me to see in the midst of all this: His Glory. And I do, I see it. Seek to give Him glory. If I do any of this for my own glory, I will fail and all of this will crumble. But, if I seek to glorify Him, the opposite is true. He is faithful to our obedience.
My landing praye for Nepal was this:
It is bright and beautiful around me on this plane. I shamefully spent the last hour grumbling about being hungry when I should have been thanking God for what He has done with, through, and for us in India and seeking Him for what is about to come in Nepal.
Abba, TRUST was the word You gave me last month. And as I look out the window hoping to catch a peek at the most giant mountain You have made, I can’t help but wonder how this is what we are all seeking to do. We are all on this journey to catch a glimpse at such a magnificent God who is Alive and at work among us. I sometimes lose sight of the purpose and grumble and complain and then, you stop me in my tracks and remind me that your magnificence is not dependent upon my actions, but rather, You are only further magnified when what I do and say glorifies and points towards You. When I lose site of the goal, You still win, do You not? Even if I blink or look out the wrong window and miss the whole huge giant mountain, still it exists. Still it shouts Your Name. Still, You are glorified. But I want in! I don’t want to live a life grumbling and missing the view of Your magnificent glory at work. I want a front row seat. I want to see the bright and shining magnificence of Your glory and Your wonder first hand. I want to not only watch, I want to get out of my seat and climb the thing; I want to be a part of it. Not sitting still, wishing I was more comfortable where I am. I want to be uncomfortable if it means I get to experience YOU face to face. Yes. Let’s do this thing. Together. (and the song plays on shuffle with Your perfect timing…)
“Show me Your glory. Send down Your presence. I want to see Your face.”
He wants our hearts, not just our actions. The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him. Forever (Ps 145). John Piper says, “He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him” and He knows this is true. We find satisfaction in Him by gazing upon His face; seeking His Glory. That is why that day He met me and turned my gaze upon Him during all the deicision making was so beautiful and why all the other days when I do the same are so fulfilling.
“For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice; the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hosea 6:6)
Introducing the Squad Leaders for U Squad, Team YAK (with Zach and Lys):
