Several years ago, a dear friend once asked me, “If you had three words to say to God, what would they be?” Those three words have run the gamut, with everything from “I am yours, You are Holy, Please change me, Heal my wounds,” etc. These days, I’m learning a whole new set of words.
The last two years or so of my life have been ones of exponential growth in my spiritual walk and relationship with the Lord. He has done an incredible healing working in my life and I’ve changed so much because of His work in my life. Yet lately, I’ve been feeling increasingly distant from Him and its been causing me to cry out again and again. I’ve been on my knees, asking to hear His voice, I’ve begged for Him to pour His Spirit out upon me, and I’ve dove into the Word with the hope that He would be revealed and I would experience more of Him. To have once enjoyed the depth and beauty of His intimacy means that I’ve felt this distance acutely. My biggest prayer at present is for intimacy with the Father.
One day, when I was praying, I caught myself saying to God, “Lord, I’ll do ANYTHING to walk closely with you, for I am desperate to feel Your presence.” And in that moment, I realized I was trying so hard to get close to the Father through my own strength that I was missing the fact that He is ALWAYS with me, whether I feel Him or not. Our God is not a God of feeling, but of reality.
I’m so eager to see God work in and through me in the coming months. I’m hungry and thirsty for the realness of Him. I want to know His tenderness and His power, to feel His love for the broken, wounded, and poor, and to see His might move mountains. I’m desperate to continue to change into the woman He is calling me to become.
A question was once asked of me, “How far are you willing to go?” I’ve given time, money, my home, and my safe and cozy and predictable life in exchange for something I believe is worth giving everything for. Am I still willing to give more? Am I willing to keeping pushing on to know the Lord even when I don’t feel Him and I’m not sure of His presence? The answer must be and always will be a resounding YES.
I will always BE in His presence. Always. Whether I feel it or not, He is with me in every breath and every heartbeat. So for now, I’m learning how to just BE with the Lord. I trust that the Father is with me. I trust that His Spirit is IN me. I trust that when I’m unsure, that He is sure. I trust that when I am stepping out of my comfort zone, that He is right by my side. I trust that He will show up. My new three words are, “I trust you.”
