I showed up at W Squad Launch this week feeling exhausted, emotional, and overwhelmed. I had worked too much and rested too little, driven cross country, said hard goodbyes, and stretched myself too thin.
It seemed to me that I was a pendulum, swinging violently from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other and back again. As I sat crying in a corner during worship a few nights ago, I seriously questioned whether or not I was even functional enough to lead. Surely someone in better emotional health would be more suited to this, more rested, more connected with Jesus? And just who the heck thought it was a good idea to let me lead these racers?
It was during this time of brokenness and exhaustion that God gave me an image of a vase: cracked and damaged and dirty. As liquid was poured into this broken piece of pottery, it immediately came flooding back out of the gaps and spaces and spread out in every direction. It wasn’t able to function in what it was made to : to hold in its contents.
God was showing me that I am a broken piece of pottery, seemingly useless and dysfunctional. Yet all those chips and flaws were meant to be there, placed because the one thing that God wants to pour into me is Himself. And He cannot be contained. Each flaw meant that He would only pour out of me faster, spreading out like water to the lowest places.
With each wild swing of my emotions, God was teaching me. He was teaching me to die to myself for the sake of others, to have hard conversations, and show the rawness of what I’m feeling to others. He was comforting me and challenging me, reassuring my Spirit while sanctifying my heart. He was pouring into me so that I would be poured out for others, for W Squad, for my co-leader. Slowly, the pendulum stopped swinging so violently. It started to settle and to come to the middle to a place of rest in the midst of Launch chaos.
Tomorrow morning we fly to Guatemala, where the entire squad will spend the month together in the community of Quiche with Agape in Action. Its time to do this leadership thing, ready or not. Pour me out, Jesus.
Please consider supporting me financially while I am on the field! I still need to raise $3500 plus living expenses and any donation large or small makes a difference. You can donate by clicking on the "Support Me!" link in the upper left corner, or through PayPal to my email address at [email protected]
Thank you for all the support already given! Your contribution allows me to stay on the field and bring Kingdom to earth.
