I have been a tomboy for my entire life. I have a clear memory of being about five years old and climbing a tree in our backyard in a dress. Unlike my sister Anne, who lived in the same pink dress for almost a year, I hated having to dress up. In seventh grade, I would regularly wear tee shirts that were at least three sizes too big, ratty jeans, and tennis shoes. Add Harry Potter glasses and a bad haircut, and you have yourself the most awkward phase of my youth.
While on the race, I felt like I had revisited my thirteen-year old self. Make up was nonexistent, I kicked around in Chacos and hiking pants, and showering didn’t always mean you were clean afterwards. Not to mention the 15 pounds I gained and the return of acne even worse than a teenager’s.
I’ve struggled to embrace my femininity my entire life. Especially while on the race, I had it spoken over me that I was too intense, a beast, and that the only man who would be hardcore enough for me was Bear Grylls. Whether these were meant to be compliments or not, they wounded me.
I felt caught in a place between being a woman and being who I am: an adventurer, a lover of nature, an athlete, independent, and a hard worker who pushes myself constantly. To me, it felt like I could only be one or another, but not both.
Slowly but surely, I’m finding that it is possible for me to be all these things and a woman who acknowledges the beauty of being feminine. Even more, I’m learning to accept the charming, gentle, lovely side of who I am as a woman. I can sit on the dock looking at the lake, drink tea out of a hand-thrown mug and listen to classical music, I can paint a picture while watching Downton Abbey, and delight in the beauty that surrounds me.
God is showing me the mother heart of His character. He is a nurturer, He is maternal, and I am made in that image. He is speaking loveliness and delight over me that I may walk more fully into the woman He has planned for me to be all along. Being one of the boys no longer holds much appeal to me.
So here’s to tea parties and makeup, flowers and perfume, white dresses and painted toes. Here’s to being separate but equal to the godly men in my life. Here’s to acknowledging the image of God that He has intentionally created me to reflect. Here’s to beauty.
