Lately I have been struggling with a lot of fear, doubt, and anxiety about moving forward with the World Race. I loved Ghana so much and felt so sure about pursuing Africa as a long-term placement that I wondered whether or not I should abandon the World Race and look into serving long-term in Africa right away. What is the point, I asked myself, of going to all of these different places if I knew that I would eventually end up in Africa? Was I pursuing the World Race for my own selfish reasons or because God had really called me to this path?
I was convicted a few days later of my lack of prayer and surrender regarding the journey ahead of me. I had been thinking about this, in addition to all the work for support-raising I still needed to do, the equipment to buy, and the paperwork to complete. Finally, one day I just stopped and laid it before God. And remarkably, the most incredible sense of peace washed over me. I realized that I had allowed the stress, fear, doubt, and anxiety to grab a hold of me and as a result had become vulnerable, easy prey to my own emotions.
I took a look back at what had caused me to move forward with the World Race and saw God’s faithfulness displayed all over the preceding weeks and months. To begin with, I applied almost as soon as I saw that the October Race became available on the website in February but never ended up setting up my interview. Part of this hesitation was due to the fact that one of my friends was planning to get married in October and had asked me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t know for sure when the launch for the October Race would occur, but hoped that it would be after October 8th, the date set for the wedding.
Eventually I called and found out that the launch date would likely occur before the 8th, which meant I had to decide to uphold my commitment to be a bridesmaid or choose to pursue the World Race. I kept remembering Psalm 15:4 that talks about keeping promises even when it hurts. I asked right then and there for my application to be withdrawn. I was disappointed, but felt at peace with my decision. So when I received an email a few weeks later reminding me to set up my interview, I was surprised, to say the least. It appeared that my application had not been withdrawn after all! I decided to at least schedule my interview and see what happened. In the week after my interview, I sat down with Joy and her fiancé and explained the situation to them. They were amazingly understanding and gracious and asked me to let them know whether or not I was accepted.
When I found out that I had been accepted, I really wanted to take the time to prayerfully consider whether or not I wanted to move forward. I took a weekend in the mountains by myself and begged God to talk to me, to make it clear one way or another if this was His path for me. He was irritatingly silent on the matter and I concluded that He was leaving the choice up to me. I felt convinced that if I absolutely wasn’t supposed to go, the Lord would let me know. But since I heard nothing, I decided that the choice was up to me. And I made my first donation to my account to confirm my place.
When I told Joy about my decision, she told me that they had decided to move the wedding up by two weeks so that I could be a part of their wedding party. I was humbled and moved by their graciousness and understanding, as well as their willingness to accommodate me into their special day.
I sent out my support letters in April, planning to follow up within a few weeks. But then it was finals time and I was running on espresso and Goldfish crackers while I wrote papers, read class material, and reviewed notes. Then it was graduation with all the family coming together to celebrate. And then it was Ghana. And then my best friend Nikki’s wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid. Suddenly, I found myself at the second week of June, still $1000 short of my first deadline of $3000 and I had no idea where the money would come from.
I started to get really worked up over my lack of time devoted to raising support, the limited attention I’d invested into the process, and the fact that I might not be able to meet the deadline. The next day, I received a note from my Aunt Nancy… with a check for $1000.
It amazes me, as I look back, how faithful God has been through this entire process, even through my lack of trust and fear. As I told this story to a friend from work, he reminded me of something precious: it is when we are most uncertain and most afraid that we have the best opportunity to trust out Heavenly Father. It’s easy to trust in Him when we feel safe, secure, and certain, but it’s a far cry harder when we are trembling in fear and doubt. And yet, it is even more important to step out in faith and trust when we are plagued by worry because it is in these moments where we allow God to prove that He is bigger than our emotions.
Today I had the opportunity to meet with three other racers, all from Colorado. As we sat around and shared stories of God’s faithfulness when we least expect it, one phrase kept being repeated: “Cheeky God.” And God is cheeky. He shows up when we least expect it, yet need Him most. He showed up when I was ready to walk away from the opportunity of a lifetime. He taught me to trust when I was afraid of telling Joy that I was choosing the World Race over her wedding. And He proved Himself faithful when I opened the check from my aunt that allowed me to meet my first deadline. God is cheeky in that He repeatedly asks us to trust Him in the times when we have the most fear and doubt.
It reminds me of the movie Tangled, the animated remake of Rapunzel. Although Rapunzel was safe in her tower, she was missing out on her inheritance of being a princess. It wasn’t until she risked leaving her tower and venturing into the unknown, in the midst of her fear, that she was able to discover the truth about herself and become the woman, the princess, that she was always meant to be. I don’t want fear to rule me or dictate the choices that I make, but rather I want to venture into the unknown, trusting always in my Heavenly Father.
