All These Ashes

 

So… whether you know or not, I have been gone for the past week on a youth retreat at the beach on the Black Sea (again).  It was nice, uncomfortable for more reasons than just the physical, but if you want to know about that, you should read Samara’s latest blog…

I have been reading blogs and listening to other racers about going home, about leaving this community, about ending the reality that we have had for the past year and being thrown back into our past reality with the only difference being ourselves that are completely wrecked for anything ordinary. 

I don’t know what to say to add to all these feelings, because I feel the same way as everyone probably.  I am so excited to see my family and go back to America but just as sad to leave these people, this way of life.  The thought of having something that is “normal” scares me. 

So there’s this song that has carried me since Kenya that I have posted at the bottom of this blog… it just explains a lot of what I am feeling inside…  

I can’t even put into words what I feel, mainly because it is a huge mix of emotions that are as plentiful as they are diverse.  I love the Q… I think that’s what I really want to say haha… I love God, and I believe that I have been through the fire in so many ways. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder what will ever come of all these ashes… I just know that Isaiah says, “… to all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes..”

 

You and I meet on the shores of the broken
You swallow the ocean, I Swallow my pride
Only to see the way that I need you
Is more than I knew I ever could

In between the ashes and the flames
Is a cry an awkward silence
Could never contain
And the falling of my hammers
And the writhing of my pain
Is just not as real as the way
That your calling my name

I cant help thinking
That the way that you want me
And the ghost that haunts me
Are one and the same
Cause you stand at my window
At night wile I’m sleeping
There’s not a promise I’m keeping
That could ever repay you

In between the ashes and the flames
There’s a song that burns brighter
Than Radio waves
Bout the remnants of my Idols
And the shadow of my shame
About how they scatter like the rain and I can’t stop crying
Cause you wont stop calling my name

Calling my name up from the ashes

 

Ashes and Flames by John Mark Mcmillan