I feel like I’m marching to my grave. And I don’t mean that I’m gonna get shot in Burma or anything, but the me that exists right now will no longer exist. Throughout the next couple of months, I’m walking to the end of my life as I know it. The old me will be gone, the new me will come. I will go, spend a year abroad, having the experiences of a lifetime and being forged and tested in ways that I can’t even imagine, only to come back to a life that hasn’t changed at all. The people that I love will be exactly how I remember them, but I won’t be the same. Then, looking back, the Race will feel like a dream. Did it ever even exist in the first place? And even though I’m a new person, they will see me as the old. But I won’t be the same… what if the new me doesn’t fit in? What if I never did? Will I then be trapped in an existence where I don’t belong where I was, can’t go back to where I’ve been and don’t know where to go next?
Or even scarier: what if God calls me to full time missions while on the Race? Now, a lot of you back home may think it’s strange that I’d be afraid to live abroad as a full time missionary. Granted, I have kinda built an image of myself as a strong, independent woman who will do crazy things for Jesus, but in reality, my life’s dream is being a stay at home momma. (Shocking I know…)I really don’t know if I could handle living so far away from my parents and siblings. Even though I’m not a huge promoter of the “American Dream” ideology, I truly enjoy the comforts of home and the stability that comes with suburban life. I know that after the World Race, I will be a completely different person, but how different will I be? If God calls me to this lifestyle, who am I to say no to Him? But as of right now, I’m really hoping God wants me to come home to my family, friends and puppy and live close to home to serve Him.
I know that it seems crazy that I’m already thinking about what it will be like coming back from the race when I haven’t even left yet, but these are just some of the many thoughts that have been keeping me up at night. But then I read one special little line in my Bible:
Resist the Devil and he will flee from you.
As a child, I always thought that if you ran from your temptations and fears triggered by the devil, they would just go away. Like somehow, I could outrun a supernatural lion seeking to destroy my life through alternative spiritual means. Like somehow, I could outrun the voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I should have tried harder, that I could never be loved, or that my life will spin out of control from serving God wholeheartedly. Like somehow, through my fear of believing those voices, I would be okay if I just ignored them all together.
Little did I know that it wasn’t me that should have been running all this time. Resist the devil and HE will flee from YOU. Flee. As in running, in fear, for his life. Not only does our support of the gospel and resistance of the fleshly desires bring Satan pain, but it causes him to run away FROM us. Because he can’t even handle it!
Obviously, it was never God’s intention for me to be running from my enemy. I mean seriously, what kind of Spiritual war would we be involved in if we were always on the defensive? Instead, we should embrace every 90s drug prevention program and “just say no”. NO to the lies, no to the temptation, no to the fear, and no to the thoughts that I won’t be able to handle life after the World Race.
