Some really big things happened in my heart while in Thailand. They were such big things that I will never be the same. Here is my heart, coming straight from the pages of my journal.
At the beginning of the month I read in “My Utmost for His Highest”, “Obedience means that I have banked everything on the Atonement, and my obedience is met immediately by the delight of the supernatural grace of God.” After reading that I wrote in my journal, “God, I am willing to do whatever it takes to go deeper with you.” If you have ever said that to God, you know that obedience comes with a price and this month I learned what that price for me was. I also learned that the price is worth the reward in Him.
Shortly after I had this conversation with God we went to a church called Abundant Grace in Chiangmai with some girls that work in the café. The pastor spoke in English while his wife translated and it was one of the most powerful messages I have ever heard. The pastor talked about our potential and said, “All patterns of defeat can be traced back to wrong beliefs. What we believe either restrains us or moves us forward. We must believe as God believes.” I realized after hearing this message that there were a lot of wrong beliefs in my life. There were beliefs that caused negative emotions to arise when we entered Thailand. I struggled a lot with negative self image, fear, and feeling inadequate at the beginning of the month. I decided after hearing this truth that I could no longer settle for wrong beliefs. So, I began a process of surrender.
I started in the Word, searching for the pure truth of God. That next week, I worked the evening shift at the café which happened to be when most of the other ministries were going on, so I had a lot of free time. I decided to dive in to the word like never before. That week God gave me a deep hunger for truth. I just happened to be reading the chapter on purity of heart in Compelled By Love by Heidi Baker at that time.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8)
Heidi says, “Being pure of heart means to have nothing distort the view/knowledge of my placement in the kingdom; to know that my heart is purely made out of the goodness of God; to be purified from every hidden agenda, every rotten motive, and false assumption of God.”
So, I started listening. I asked God to show me where I was not believing rightly about him, others, or myself. I told Him that I was willing to surrender lies for Him to replace them with a belief in the truth. I began forgiving people in my life that have hurt me. When offense or frustration popped up with people during the day, I immediately learned to ask God for peace and then spoke the truth. I started refusing assumptions and began basing my life on truth instead of emotions.
Then, something huge happened and as a result I saw God’s heart for Thailand in a very deep way. I heard a testimony of a woman who was trafficked, in America, from the age of 4-18 by her grandfather. Towards the end of her testimony of how God rescued and redeemed her life, she spoke about God’s heart for children and I began to weep uncontrollably and I could barely stop. I wasn’t sure why I had reacted in that way. I spent the next two days crying out to God, on behalf of children. I laid in bed and cried and cried for the children whose parents sold them into trafficking, for children that are abused behind closed doors, and for the women caught in a cycle of abandonment and despair. My heart felt like it was split in two. Half of me felt a deep sorrow and the other half of me was completely filled with hope and total assurance of hope for them. I felt absolutely no hopelessness or despair, just longing for God’s freedom in their lives.
I then watched a documentary on trafficking called Nefarious: Merchant of Souls (which I highly recommend to anyone!). This documentary gives a very clear picture of what trafficking is but it also gives a very clear vision of hope. At the end of the documentary, a former trafficker who now works with an organization to prevent trafficking said, “She was a captive of one thing (in regards to any woman that is trafficked) and I was captive of another thing”. I realized at that moment that God was asking me to forgive men that have abused loved ones in my life and to begin to pray not just for the salvation and rescue of women and children but also for the men. I made the choice to forgive, and a HUGE burden lifted off of my shoulders.
It was hours after I made the choice to love and forgive that I met the man that I mentioned in my previous blog (“Thailand: Part 2: Assurance in Things Hoped for”) who paid 1,000 baht to a little girl so she could go home and go to sleep instead of working all night. Praise God!
This month the verse, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God”, has come alive to me. I am definitely not perfect and God continues to reveal to me areas that of my heart that I need to surrender to Him, but the more I allow Him to purify my heart, the more clearly I SEE HIM. I saw Him in the darkest of the red light district, I see Him in my squad all the time, and I see Him looking at me with delight. I know that I am a perfect mess and that God’s promises are certain. I am grateful to be in the palm of God’s hand and to experience the reward of surrender, which is that I get to look into His eyes and every time I do, my view gets clearer and clearer.
