I just wanted to explain for a second the purpose of this blog and how I believe God wants to use it. As you know, this blog will be a vital way in which I will let you in on my journey across the globe. I will update as often as possible while on the race letting you know where I am, what I am doing, and how you can pray. I want you to know that my writing, in case you don’t know me, is pretty raw and real. God made me with a big heart and most of the time, it’s right there on my sleeve for the world to see. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes it’s super hard but I’ve committed to God to be authentic and to share what He puts on my heart to share, whether it’s easy or hard. So, I’m going to testify of the awesome things that are going to happen and I’ll also be obedient in sharing things that people sometimes don’t like to talk about. This is one of those hard ones. I want to share with you a struggle that I’ve had and it may be a struggle you or someone you know has had as well. I pray that my breakthrough will be your breakthrough!
So, here goes…
It’s been a suffocating vice for me for years. It’s threatened my very personality, my choices, and my freedom. It’s caused me to shrink back in fear many times and I’ve allowed it to push me into thoughts of self-hatred and self-doubt. Now, I’m getting real and getting rid of it for good… pleasing people and fearing judgment.
For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to please people. I’ve wanted to be the best that I could possibly be in relationships. I’ve wanted to be the best sister, daughter, friend, etc. I felt that if I didn’t show people my heart through my actions, they would never know I cared or maybe they would misjudge me altogether and think that I was not a good or loving person. There have been countless times where I was so very focused on pleasing other people, that I have completely disregarded my own needs and desires altogether to the point of physical illness. There have been times when I literally could not give an answer to what I wanted when asked because I just had never considered myself. So, I would make a safe choice based on what I perceived the other person might think would be a good choice.
Same thing has happened in my relationship with God. I have focused more on what I could do for Him than the relationship itself. On top of that, I feared His judgment and was terrified that He would reject me. I thought I would end up being an exception to the salvation rule. (Just to clarify, that was a lie from the pit of hell. There is no such thing as an “exception” with God. He offers the same perfect gift to every single one of us.)
…that is how far my need to please people has gone.
In Galatians 1:10 Paul says, “For am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” God has brought me back to that scripture time and time again and it’s been very convicting. The whole New Testament is about how we cannot earn love by our actions because we’ve already been given all the love in Him we could ever hope for. A relationship with God is not about what we do…it is about who we belong to, right? Our relationships on earth should resemble Jesus’ kind of love as well, with the motive not to prove ourselves but to love unconditionally just like Jesus did.
Well, I’ve “known” all of this. I learned about it in Sunday school and memorized verses yet I’ve lived as if I needed to earn love by pleasing people… or else I’d live my life in rejection and sit in hell for eternity…so how have I been breaking through this lie?
I have been breaking through by the love of God. I know that sounds like a cliché Christian answer but it’s the honest truth. I have been spending lots of time with God. The more I learn about who HE is, the more I learn about WHO I AM. I’m learning that it has NOTHING to do with anyone else, so why compare myself to others? I’m learning that nothing can separate me from His love, so why fear judgment when the one who sits on the judgment seat says that my slate is wiped clean? Why try to earn love when it already belongs to me? The Word is sharper than a double-edged sword and it’s been cutting through the lies I have believed for years. It really is that simple.
The beautiful, freedom-filled result of living in this truth is that anything I do on this planet, I do because I WANT to not because I feel I HAVE to out of fear. Anything I DO in this life is automatically a natural and grateful response to the one who knows and loves me unconditionally and perfectly. In this way, He receives all the glory that he more than deserves. We are blessed with the joy of serving Him and Him alone out of our love for Him.
Since this revelation has been sinking deeper and deeper into my heart, my life has been changing. My emotions are more stable. I can make choices on my own, not based on other people. I am learning to love myself for who I REALLY am. I’m consistently joyful. I am free.
There are days I still have to work through stuff and there always will be but I’m becoming more whole by the day. There are still wounds from the past that tempt me to shrink back again, but I’m learning to press into Him when that happens. I’m never going to be perfect but He sees me as flawless. Totally mind-boggling but soooo cool, huh?
So, if you would like to support me by praying I would be so grateful. This is how you can pray:
My heart’s cry for the race is this…that I would not fall back into people-pleasing mode. My intention is that from now on, whether on the race or elsewhere, that my focus be on my relationship with God and the love that He has for me, which has nothing to do with what I do. When I think about the race right now, what I am most excited for is the thought of going on an adventure with God. I sense His love so tangibly when I see new, beautiful, and exciting places. I just can’t wait to be in a plane again, looking out the window, tuning out to worship music and thinking, “wow God, the clouds are beautiful and you created them! I can’t wait to see where you are taking me! There’s nowhere else I’d rather be and nothing else I would rather be doing than this!”
The World Race is going to be packed full of awesome opportunities to love on people and serve and those things will glorify God. But I refuse to go on the race with a motive to please God or people or to prove to myself that I’m valuable. My prayer is that everything I do be fueled by an overflowing abundance of God’s love in me. My prayer is that performance be broken off and that the desire to serve will be based on the knowledge of God’s goodness alone.
Thank you so much for reading and letting me be vulnerable with you! You all are amazing and I am so grateful for you!
