“Jordan tattoos the words "forgive me" in thick black letters down the inside of his arm so that when he looks at his wrist he will remember not to hate himself so much. What he keeps forgetting is that there is life after survival.” – Buddy Wakefield, Human the Death Dance
When I was 15 years old, I was suspended from school for nine days, hospitalized for three, and put on ‘suicide watch’ with 40 other kids my age who were also finding it really difficult to cope with the trials of this life. I had been struggling with severe depression for three years and had been cutting for two. I remember how everything hurt. How I thought it would never EVER get any better. How I wanted out. How I prayed and pleaded and at times even screamed at God to just end it all. To let me die.
But instead, when I was 16, He intervened and I had a very real and personal encounter with the living God. And for the first time in my life, I knew what it was to walk in freedom. To experience the love of Christ. To know joy in spite of life circumstances.
Two and a half years ago, I went to a Christian conference that so deeply shook my faith that I didn’t think I’d ever recover. On August 10, 2011, I told God that I didn’t see how I could ever bring myself to trust Him again. It had been a year and a half and I was still so angry and so pissed off. And I was hurt and just felt so utterly betrayed by this God of the universe, the one whom I had once loved more than anything.
And yet, here I am, 10 months later, gearing up to go on this “Christian Scavenger Hunt/World Tour for Jesus.” And more than anything, I am looking forward to just simply encountering God. And finding out better who He is and who I am in Him and how those two things come together to produce purpose and a call on my life. I am looking forward to really trusting Him again. And the adventure that takes place when you put your life in the hands of One who created it.
I said ALL of that to say……….the past couple of weeks, God has really been teaching me and showing me that, despite anything that life throws at me, in the end, I will be okay. That even when it doesn’t feel like it or I can’t see how it’s going to happen, I will smile again. And I will laugh again. And I will know joy and peace again. Because He is in control. And He loves me with a perfect love. The kind of perfect love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
Which means, I don’t have to spend my life worrying about all the what if’s or the maybe’s. That I can stop being so afraid and putting up all these walls and defenses and armor in an effort to protect myself and start really living life to the full, the way He intended for it to be lived (John 10:10). Because even if tragedy strikes. Even if my worst fears come true, I will be okay. I will recover. Because God, the father, loves me. And He is in control.
Because, “before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea. A great High Priest whose name is Love, who ever lives and pleads for me (Selah, Before the Throne of God).” Because “in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).”
And nothing drives this point home for me like this picture:
There is life after survival.
For ALL of us.
No matter what life throws our way.
Because He loves us.
And He is able to heal, to deliver, and to restore.
