I have been trying to prepare myself this year for my launch in September 2013. I have been trying to get my mind right , getting things here in America lined up, spiritually asking God to take me deeper, get physically in shape, read about each country, learn about the people I will be going to serve, and the list goes on. I want to be as prepared as I can for this journey.
Last week a reality slapped me across the face and I wasn't prepared. My little nephew turned one years old and it was time to party! If you know me, you know I'm absolutely in love with him, and he makes my heart explode with emotions every time I think about him or see him. I've never felt love like this before.
For weeks prior I researched the perfect gift for aunty to give her little Bubba. I narrowed it down to a few gifts and got super excited and couldn't wait to show up to his party and present what aunty had thought so long and hard about .
Let me go back a few blogs now. I talked about me loosing me job and it changed and rocked my world in an unexplainable way. It rocked my financially situation as well, luxuries I once partaken in ended abruptly . I'm a very independent person, living on my own since 18 , and don' t like asking people for anything. These past few months I've had to ask for assistance, I've had to go ask a few friends to pray for me and meet with my parents very humbly and make them aware of how bad things have been getting. Its been a life changing time and I absolutely hated being in this situation.
Now lets move back forward back to picking out a present for my Bubba . As I searched for him the perfect gift a level of denial clouded me and made me think these ridiculous gifts where financially doable. I chose to live in this false reality all the way up to the day of his party. I showed up empty handed and inside broken and hurt. My love language is giving and I thought how in the world could I show I'm so happy to be in his life and excited and honored to be his Aunty? I felt like a horrible Aunt and very upset with myself.
Deep down I still struggle with my current situation. I know my nephew hasn't and wont go without, I know he is probably even a tad spoiled and received everything he needed and more. I went home from that party and slipped into a depression. I allowed the enemy whisper crap to me and for a while I believed it. The next day I sat in my room for hours and had some private time with God. He talked to me showed me that ultimate gift on Calvary that he already gave my nephew. Long ago he died for him and showed unshakeable love. I was comforted and put at ease. He was right . With this next year prep for missions I have some goals for myself and I pray God continues to show me how much he loves. There is no gift I can give to anyone along my journey greater then sharing the love God has for them.
God let me love like you do, give me your heart, let it beat your beat, let me never go a day without showing someone your love.
