Im so scared for this blog. I have always wanted and desired to be a person of truth.
These last few months I have been nothing of the sort. While working in ministry for the last 2.5 years I got lost. I got lost in God being only big enough to heal and transform others. I lost the faith He could still possibly be in the business to still want to Heal me and continue to transform me.
I have skeletons in my closet, big yucky ones. I recently had to step away from a job and a passion that was so dear to my heart. Ive had to grieve and its been quite the hardest process for me ever. I don't like grieving , I don't like getting sad, I don't like feeling those certain deep emotions. But I have and I know it is good for me even though I hate it. I HATE IT!!
I have skeletons, big ones that I have tried to hide and when I would let one sit outside my closet for a little bit of time I would clean it up and dress it all up. Maybe thinking I could hide that I'm not as big as a mess as I really am. I have lived a life that has compromised.
It's so interesting the fake comfort this world tries to offer us. Men, drinking, drugs, partying, ugh the list goes endlessly on…
But All opposite than the comfort and abundance Jesus Christ Died just for me on Calvary to have.
I have to be honest I have yet to truly experience that. I yes have had a glimpse , tasted it, but truly experienced and allowed my self to be loved in the way Jesus wants to really Love on me. No, I just have to be honest.
I sit and still type this in pain, but I know my Jesus wont relent until He has it all. God loves me so much that He went into my closet pulled out my skeletons and lovingly asked me if I truly want to surrender all this crap.
I realized I don't have the strength to pack and lug around the world these sins and issues. I have for way to long done this. So my prayer and Journey is the allow God to come in and do a deep work, so I can be able to honestly teach to others what freedom actually looks like and feels like.
Its time, it time for me to truly be free.
