Funding Update: My squadmates and I are constantly amazed at how these adventures we’re experiencing are due to the generosity of friends and family back home! Thank you so much!!
My next deadline is April 1st, at $11,000. You can help by spreading the word, sharing this blog, and praying with me for provision.
I already have a thousand things to say about El Shaddai orphanage – this will probably be one of the most important months of my entire trip. All 49 of us B-Squaders are here together, creating a completely different dynamic than last month, and we’ve already learned incredible things about this place, this country, and these kids.
But I want to devote this post to Debrief, because I didn’t quite give you a complete picture last time.
I went in expecting Debrief to essentially be free time. It turned out to be much more structured, and much more impactful. (It felt very similar to Rockbridge, for those of you who know what that is.) The leadership that came – our Squad Parents and Squad Mentor, along with our Squad Leaders – gave lectures, and led times of prayer, worship, and conversation. Teams met together with them extensively to check in, and there were opportunities to meet with them individually as well. The result was an incredible increase in vulnerability, unity, and strength as a squad – the group of people that arrived were not the same when they left.
Our ridiculously incredible Squad Leaders, Andrew and Alys
My team with our Squad “Parents”, Deon & Rynette
For me, something unexpected happened.
Many of you have heard talks or read books on Identity. Most of you have struggled with letting go of false identities you learned growing up (“You’re a failure, you’re ugly, you’re worthless”) and trying to own your true identity (loved, valued, beautiful).
I’ve heard several talks on talks on Identity through InterVarsity, and I thought I knew this stuff backwards and forwards. I’d never known exactly what false identity I carried around with me, but I always benefited from hearing the truth again in those talks – I’m wanted, accepted, loved.
However, when Deon stood up in front of us and began to speak on Identity that first night of Debrief, I realized what I believed about myself:
“Not worth it.”
I realized that I always assume I’m not worth people’s time. Not worth the effort. Not worth the inconvenience it would be to listen to me.
You know Those High-Maintenance People – the needy ones, the ones with messy emotions, the ones who aren’t prepared, the ones who can’t do it themselves. Some of you have heard me talk about this, about my constant attempts to be as low-maintenance as possible.
Because if I’m too High-Maintenance, no one will put in the effort to deal with me.
If I’m Low Maintenance, I’m worth being around. I’m worth having as a friend.
I distinctly remember sitting in the Stud Library one afternoon next to my friend Charlotte. I was questioning whether I could ask a particular friend for something, and Charlotte told me, “Oh Larisa, I know they’d drop anything for you.”
I remember becoming very quiet, because internally, I thought, “…actually… I really don’t think that’s true.” Because who really would drop anything for me?
That’s why personal emails from friends back home have meant so surprisingly much to me on the Race – I’m not going to be in your life for a year, but you took the time to sit down, open your email (we all know how stressful inboxes can be), and write to me. I’m worth that effort to you?
A couple of days after Deon gave his Identity talk, I met with my Squad Leader, Alys, for a one-on-one, just to tell her how Debrief was going for me. I told her what I’d learned about myself: that I always try to be self-sufficient, to not need anything, so that being my friend is as low-maintenance as possible.
She asked if I’d shared this with my team yet.
“No… but I think I’ll write about it in a blog, and they could read it if they felt like it.”
After considering this, she said, “I think that, after you’ve written the blog, you should sit them all down and read it to them.”
I could see where she was going with this.
“But that would require me forcing them to sit and spend time listening to me…”
She smiled and said, “Exactly.”
Just to give you a little taste of what’s to come – I took this picture out the kitchen window on our 2nd day here at El Shaddai.
Yes. It’s ridiculous. And we get to see it 50 times a day.
More on Swaziland to come!
