Me: I’ve felt a growing resolve to start this month by actually trying.
You: “Um, Larisa… then what have you been doing this whole time?”
I began my Race knowing full well how easy it would be to fall into the trap of feeling like you have to do ministry all day every day, feeling obligated to give, give, give, give. 11 ministries. Every place is precious, important, filled with beautiful people and experiences that invite you to pour your entire life into them. Many Racers struggle with burn-out, because they prioritize the ministry work over everything – their team, their health, even their spiritual life.
So I have been determined to not feel obligated. It’s a lesson I’ve been learning over the past few years – to feel 100% comfortable saying “no.” (Have you ever read the book Boundaries? Do it. Read it.) So many people, Christians especially, serve because they’re “supposed to.” We were never meant to live like that.
My friend Chelsea of C-squad recently wrote: “People, and World Racers especially, seem prone to this compulsion to DO everything, and to change the world, and to be suspicious when the work’s too easy because that means we’re not doing enough. But the same God that sends us all over the world to do crazy things is the same God that makes us fall asleep in a hammock with a good book. Blessed is the person who is satisfied in Christ no matter where or what is happening.”
If you still feel a burden to serve, out of obligation or fear or shame – stop. Now is not your time to reach out. You need to keep learning how to rest. If He hasn’t filled you, what do you have to give, anyway? You need to learn how to say no. You need to know your value even when you are not being productive, when you are doing nothing.
You need to learn in the car, it is sometimes more important to blast the soundtrack of your favorite musical and sing your heart out along with it than to listen to the recording of your latest biochem lecture. (blech.)
“The glory of God is man fully alive.”
St. Iranaeus
God cares about you resting, about you doing what you love, about being creative, about you doing completely silly and “time wasting” things with your friends. He tells us that with Him, life is abundant.
I needed to learn that first. Because before, I wasn’t freely giving. My giving was insincere and broken, because it felt like I couldn’t say yes to myself. It seemed that that the way to live was to be in bondage to Saying Yes to Other People.
Now I definitely know how to spend time finding joy, how to healthily rest and not worry about how much I could be doing if I weren’t resting. I’ve learned how to let life actually be abundant. The past few years have taught me how to rest. They taught me that God’s love for me is not based on performance. That I am just as much a delight to Him when I am sitting still as when I am working.
But now that I don’t feel forced to give, I’m in a position where my giving can actually be real and sincere. But if I feel the complete freedom to say yes or no… what would I happen if I started giving more often?
People say the whole point of ministry is “being Jesus to others.” Look at my days – I stick to my agenda, making sure I have time to rest, to be a good logistics leader, to do the things I need to do. Now look at Jesus’ days – He wandered, He sought, He went out of His way. He stopped to “waste time” with people instead of continuing onto where He needed to go.
It’s at this point that I read my UVA friend Rachael Paz’s blog, A Life of Goodbye.
I have got to change how I’m doing this, don’t I.
If I’m filled up with rest and contentment, maybe it’s time to build the habit saying yes again, since now, it will be a choice instead of an obligation.
“It is in giving that we receive.” What will happen this month if I decide to give – not out of duty to serve but because I want to? What might Jesus do with it? I’m ready for the new lesson.
So I’ve resolved to see what happens if I actually try. I’m going to see how hard it is, and how much it hurts. I want to learn what Rachael has learned.
Maybe there’s more abundance to be had.
