I feel like I am a totally different person from when I began the Race. Before Training Camp I was introverted and wanted to talk to people, but it was hard for me to start a conversation. I had a pretty low self esteem and felt tied to my family. My parents are missionaries in Swaziland with AIM and a lot of the times when a team would come, they would always group us with the other missionary kids as children or with our parents and call us “the boys”. It honestly always kind of pissed me off on the inside because I felt unimportant and like my personality was overlooked. I don’t think people meant to make me feel this way, but it’s how I felt.
At training camp was the first time in a while that I felt like I could step out on my own and have the opportunity to grow more into the individual God created me to be. That week at training camp was probably the most uncomfortable week of my life. I was completely out of my comfort zone and in an atmosphere of community, hot tents, some not so great food, and lots of learning. I was very overwhelmed, but this was just the beginning. I wasn’t even on the race yet.
On the race, the Lord has grown me in so many awesome ways. A few of those are confidence, learning to be intentional with my time, words, and actions, serving out of my overflow, and and having healthy boundaries. My personality has changed from shy, introverted, and passive, to more extroverted, loving, and intimate with God.
Back in Costa Rica, I was thinking about how I don’t feel loved by those around me or even by the Father. I know that He loves me, but I guess it’s just hard to believe, becuase we just don’t deserve it! The truth is though, that even when I don’t believe that He loves me, He still does! The enemy really started attacking we with lies that I’m not good enough and not loved right after my teammate Ben went home. It was super hard for me. Part of my testimony for the past few years has been that it has been hard to make friends and I’ve had a longing for real community. With the race I felt like the Lord finally blessed me with this, and then every time someone leaves I kind of feel abandoned. I know that God has huge plans for those people, but sometimes I think I become selfish and think that it is something I did or that I’m not good enough. (It’s crazy that I am surrounded by 30 other amazing people and still be lonely) That’s not right for me to do, and I think it begins to trickle into other areas of my life like community and my relationship with The Father. I am still walking through this, but I have seen more recently that I am truly loved by my Father and that he cares about my desires and passions.
The last week of Costa Rica, I was able to work in the kitchen at our ministry, Project Abraham, with some awesome ladies. I have also gotten to use my passion for hospitality in that and also in planning an event and different things for our squad. The event I planned was a Galentines prom for the ladies of the squad. We cooked dinner, decorated, danced, and served mocktails (no alcohol). It was super fun and at the end of the night they chose me as the prom king, which totally surprised me. I didn’t even know they were going to do something like that. This was my first prom and it really made me feel loved, even if it was a little awkward haha. He reveals His love in the little things, sometimes we just have to open our eyes and look.
In God’s word it says that WE are his masterpiece, His child, LOVED, and made to be a reflection of Him. This is what our Identity is. It doesn’t matter what others think about us or even who we think we are sometimes.
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
??Ephesians? ?2:10? ?NIV??
Yours in Christ,
Landon Mullins
