When I officially said yes to The World Race at the end of October/ start of November, I was on a Jesus high. I felt as if nothing could stop me and I honestly started believing that I had reached my spiritual peak. That I was set and ready to go for the rest of my life. I had gone through a really tough time at the beginning of the semester but things were starting to look up. I was excited for the future and I felt my life was finally starting to settle down and I would be at peace for basically the rest of my life. I was having those thoughts without even realizing it. As I actually take the time to sit back and reflect on that, I now realize how foolish I had been. And how boring life would be if it actually worked like that. The good news though is that life absolutely does not work like that. Since finishing up my first semester of college and moving back home for winter break, truthfully, I have been a mess. My head has been everywhere and it’s been hard for me to take time to truly reflect back on everything. In fact, me writing this right now has been the first time in quite a while I have given myself permission to reflect on everything. Being vulnerable, this has probably been the first time I’ve picked up my Bible in about a month. A huge part of me is ashamed to admit that. I am supposed to be a strong Christian. I am literally going on a mission trip this summer and will start being a YL leader this next semester. I have continually allowed myself to believe that I am a terrible Christian because I don’t want to read my Bible and out of fear of being judged, I have struggled with this in silence all to myself. Mainly because I believed I could handle it. That I could figure it out, without needing to call on Jesus, which is apart of what He is here for. I hate admitting to people that I don’t have everything worked out and I cannot stand it when I make a mistake. But little by little I am starting to understand that God doesn’t want our false perception of perfection. He wants us just as we come- messy, prideful, shame-filled, but passionate, caring, with a longing to love others and love our God. Admitting we aren’t perfect to ourselves and God isn’t just admitting we struggle with negative qualities and sin. It is also allowing God to come into our lives and sprout His beautiful goodness in the midst of our ugly sin. I need to be reminded of that a lot more and I definitely need to start living in that truth more as well.
Today I was determined to read my Bible but when it became time for me to start, I kept putting it off. I would go eat something or play on my phone. Eventually I had to sit down and flat out ask God to help me. To highlight to me why I have been feeling this way and to give me the drive to get into His word. The problem has never really been not having the desire to be in His word. I love God and I will never deny that He is the one who has gotten me this far. I owe everything to Him and I want to grow closer to Him for as long as possible. The problem for me however, has always been the drive. I have lacked the drive to carve time out to be in His word or to give myself time to be spiritually fed. So today I asked Him for that drive then I picked up my Bible. I asked God to speak to me and to give me something in His word that will boost me and deepen the drive inside me to want Him more. Instantly I heard Galatians 5:27, so I flipped to it. Well imagine my surprise and frustration when I realized Galatians 5 ended at verse 26. I was so frustrated and was literally like “Are you kidding me God?” I didn’t feel like I should just give up though so I decided to flip to Galatians 5:7 instead.
Here is Galatians 5:7-10 (NLT)
“You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for He is the one who called you to freedom. This false teaching is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough! I am trusting the Lord to keep you from believing false teachings. God will judge that person, whoever he is, who has been confusing you.”
Reading this verse, I felt like I could breathe again. It made so much sense to me and I knew this was God trying to tell me something. So now I am going to dissect these verses a little bit. So verse 7 starts out saying how the Galatian people were running the race so well. This means that they were following God just as how it should be, keeping their eyes focused on Him and letting Him guide their paths. However, the Galatian people began to worship false Gods or rely too much on the law that they were forgetting the overall message of who Jesus was- a God of great love. I relate a lot to the latter. I focus so much on obeying the law of the Lord (which I would like to point out is just and beautiful and was created for a reason) that I forget sometimes to just dwell in the glory and goodness of our Father. To pursue a relationship with Him rather than a step by step regimen in order to gain His love, which is something we cannot do because it is already freely given to us. So in the next line, Paul, the author, is asking the Galatians who has told them that false Gods or relying too closely on the law will get them anywhere because it certainly is not God. Paul is making sure the Galatian people know that God is not a God of chains but of freedom, which he further emphasizes when he says that God calls us to that freedom. Listening to the world with too much emphasis may not seem harmful at first, but as Paul says, a little goes a long way. The verse about the yeast particularly stuck out to me because I can relate so much to it. I let so much of the world dictate how I live my life, without even realizing it. I let the world (+ the enemy) tell me I am a bad Christian if I feel burnt out or am going through a tough time spiritually. And eventually me believing that so much has led to me starting to identify myself as a Christian who is not worthy of God’s love. Which I can say is 100% not true, even when I believe it. The good news though, is that God sees me in the midst of all the crazy and feeds me constant truth to replace the lies.
I am so thankful to God for continually bringing me back on track and helping me to stray away from false teachings and to wander even further into the glorious depths of God’s mercy and kindness. Even when I feel I am lost, I am never too lost for God to not find me and bring me back home into His arms. In regards to Thailand, I am still so pumped for this journey and for what God is going to do in my life. I know that this season I am in right now is a season of patience and growth. I choose to believe God is planting seeds in me now that will help me to fully blossom while I am on mission for Him this summer. Thank you to everyone who has supported me thus far, your support means the absolute world to me and I am so excited that you are on this journey with me!!
As always, remember that you are loved, treasured, adored, and bought at the highest price imaginable by our Father in Heaven.
Love and Light,
Lalla-Rose
