It’s day 3 of training camp and today one of our sermons was on the process of grieving. I came to the realization that I have never actually learned the correct way to grieve! That instead of letting myself have the time to be sad without feeling as though I’m being weak yet not wallowing in my sufferings to the point of depression, but letting the emotions flow when they arise and then handing it to God each time the pain surfaces. I realized I must grieve so I can effectively embrace the future, and all Jesus has planned for me.
I have struggled my whole life with not knowing how to leave my pain at the foot of the cross. I would think I had dealt with my “junk” or had overcome things in my life but then I would find myself still angry about something or someone or hurt or whatever and realize that, that pain was still there. It is definitely a process and it goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness. Moving on from devastating events in life is not a one-time deal, it’s about letting yourself feel and then releasing it to the Father every time it surfaces. I didn’t know how to do either of these two. Looking back at my past I could see how because of the lack of letting my self grieve over my Dad’s heart, every single one of my childhood best friends moving away, my teeth and having the guilt of my family’s injuries in the car accident, my mom’s brain surgery, a break up, and the damage to my own heart in that process, led me to make decisions that were not saying Yes to my Savior and leading me down a different path with out even being conscious of it. It was an eye opening fact that it can be a slow process of saying yes to other things instead of putting God first even though you don’t doubt the truth and the devil’s whisper of “It’s not that big of a deal.”
This week I learned that I need to grieve these things correctly so that I can move on from them; accept my brokenness and then be filled with the Holy Spirit and be built back up by my Creator. I want to be who He intended me to be, whole in Him. I cannot serve from the place in my heart that I need to love from until I have grieved and given these things to the Lord. I want to be able to be completely His, and be a part of His work, to surrender my WHOLE self to His will, and I can’t do that if I am still holding on to my own pain and insecurities. I can’t be open to what God has in store for me if I’m still dragging around baggage that causes my actions to be for myself instead of for Him. My heart can’t be open to hear from Him either and this is not a position I want to be in at the start of this journey. So please pray that I would be patient in the process, and not fight the fact that God wants to take it all away, he wants to pick up my burdens and set me free!
