I’ve been struggling to start this post for about a week now. Kind of ironic that I’m wanting to share about my vision and passion but I’m having such a hard time starting it… however I’m going to give it a shot so here goes.
A little over a week ago, I had a conversation with a coworker of mine, who I also consider to be a friend and wise counsel in my life. She asked various questions about this mission trip. Things like why am I going, what do I want to do while I’m on the field, and what is my dream beyond just this mission trip. It made me stop and really think, which surprised me. Truthfully, I thought I’ve been doing a pretty good job of sharing my heart and my desires so not being able to answer those questions took me aback. After some more discussion with her, and a bit of processing on my own I realized that in the course of the last couple of years I’ve become somewhat detached from my dreams. The passion, vibrancy, and unique fervor that God gave me to be able to fulfill my calling has seemingly dwindled.
It is clear to me now that over time my language began to change as a form of self protection. My calling and dreams are unique to me, and they’re not always easily understood, even in my church community. These small but slightly painful moments built up over time and without being aware of it, I began to disconnect.
Now that I am aware of this, I have a couple of options. I could just ignore it and continue on with my life. Or I can choose the process of forgiving others and myself, healing, and growing. Though it would be nice to take the easier route, I know too well that I would just end up in a similar position of needing to deal with this later in my life. So in this moment, I am choosing to yield myself to the process. I forgive anyone who’s dismissiveness or lack of understanding contributed to me becoming hurt & withdrawn. I forgive myself for not recognizing the hurt sooner and allowing fear and callousness to creep in. Jesus, I’m holding my hands open and I invite you to come in and work in me like only you can. Help me to rest and recenter my heart on the one thing that really matters: you. Help me to be bold and courageous in the desires you’ve given me and learn how to dream again. I love you.
Thanks for joining me in this little vulnerable post. “Part Two – The Vision” will be coming next week, so subscribe for updates if you’d like to hear my answers to the questions referenced earlier, as well as a glimpse of the real and raw passion I carry for missions.
Much love,
Laina
