Being back home in the “real world” as we like to call it, obviously because the last 11 months wasn’t real it was all make believe and fake! Which is kind of funny because I keep telling people that it actually feels like the last 11 months of my life was a dream, like it went by in the blink of an eye and now I am back home working and trying to figure out this thing we call “life after the race”. To be perfectly honest I am having a harder time figuring it out and trying to be me than I thought I would. It hasn’t been easy, and it is a constant struggle everyday, because the person I was before I left is a completely different person than I am now, but putting me back in my original surroundings has kept bringing small pieces of that old self out of me.
Before I came home, I was so pumped on life to come back and just be this crazy outstanding Christian, and to be volunteering and having Jesus talks with everyone and anyone! Just living on the Jesus “high” that I had experienced so often on my trip, just those amazing moments when there is no doubt in your mind that God is with you and that He loves you more than anything. Being home has made it very clear to me that the verse in Matthew 19:24 “Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” is more true than I had ever imagined. I come home to work, money, clothes, food, movies, alcohol, cigarettes, and everything I could ever want or need. I guess that might explain the fact that I have opened my Bible twice since I have been home. Yes, I go to church every Sunday, and yes I have been trying to hang out with Christian friends and I have been going to a few Bible studies, but I just feel like my heart just hasn’t been in it. Mom has asked me to pray with her and I try at all costs to avoid it, why? Why do I feel so uncomfortable sharing my faith and living it out back at home, especially around my mom, she is my ultimate support here at home. The answer that I have been given is money, and wealth, what use do I have for God when I have absolutely everything. And how sad is that when you think about it, “I don’t need to creator of this earth because all of my needs and wants are being met right now”. Well what happens when things don’t go my way? Ill run back to God and say “oh Lord help me, everything is a disaster, I have hit rock bottom. Lord help me” and God will, He will help me through anything every time I ask for His help, but why must I only call upon Him when I am in need. Things are going great right now and I am so happy, but instead of rejecting God when things are good, I should be praising Him for everything He has provided me with. I guess I am just disappointed in myself a little bit, that I let the worldly things creep into my life again and to take the place of God in my life.
Coming home was defiantly not what I expected, it has been much harder than I ever thought it would be. I have gotten good at putting on a good face, but inside my soul is just screaming out for Jesus, while my outward/worldly self tells me that I don’t need Him, life is good I have no use for Him. Finding the balance between the two is a hard process, and I am trying to work on it everyday and I could sure use all the encouragement, prayer and advice that y’all can give me!!!
Thanks so much
God bless
