I want to be vulnerable with all of you, so I’m sharing a day this past week I had. I am going to be extremely honest about how and what I was feeling. Not everyday is full of rainbows and unicorns on the race….
MONTH 9-Monday
I tiptoe past Shannon sprawled out on the floor napping and quietly lock the bathroom door behind me. I sit down on the pastel green toilet seat and lay my dripping face against the wall tiles.
“God, I hate this. I’m not going to make it through this month . I am so tired of everything and everyone,” I mutter under my breath. I wait for the tears I’ve been holding back for days to spill out now that I’m alone but they don’t. They can’t. My body is trying to reserve every bit of water. I’m frusterated and wish I could just run far away. But the heat easily discourages me from doing that. I don’t want to be in India anymore. I’m sick of constantly being wet with sweat.I’m sick of living with 13 people in one small room. I don’t want to be in this place any longer. I can’t make it until next Sunday. I’m sick of the flies landing on me, the ants spilling from all the cracks in the wall and crawling all over me. I’m sick of eating tomatoes and noodles everyday. I absolutely hate tomatoes! I am so sick of the constant awkward staring at us, and seeing people use the road as a bathroom. I hate that the power is constantly off and you never know when you will run out of water. I’m sick of the blasting idol worship; the honking horns. I hate wearing the same 7 shirts for a year. I hate that I’m stuck here with nowhere to go. I haven’t been alone for a day in over 9 months. I’m going crazy and I just want to be done here. I have such a bad attitude that there is no way I can be making a difference.
“ God!” I cry, “ Father why am I in this God forsaken place."
“It is not forsaken, I am here with you.”
I want to laugh aloud. During lunch I make a rude remark to my team mates. If God spent more time in India he would realize how hot it is and cool it down. It is unbearably hot here. I stand to get a drink and my vision goes black for the 3rd time today. I grab for the kitchen sink and wait until it passes. Filling up my bottle with water warm enough for a tea bag I feel like crying again. I consider not drinking water so I could just pass out. We have to go door to door though, then work on building the church this afternoon in the scorching sun, then set up and show the Jesus film tonight. A full day I can’t skip out on.
A full week, a full month, a full year.
I struggle as an old man hands me a coconut to drink as we visit his hut. I force a smile. I can’t do this God. I told you I’m done. They ask me to share so I tell them about the race and Jesus half heartedly feeling like I’m making no difference. I want to yell. I want to tell them I miss my family, my home,and being normal. I miss being clean, feeling girly, drinking real milkshakes, driving my car and painting to music. I honestly don’t know what’s happening to me. I just know I am unable to do this anymore. I don’t want to even talk to God because I know he’s not going to answer me the way I want him to. I want to curl up alone in a ball for an entire week. I sigh under my breath at the thought of sleeping on the loud, hot roof, getting eaten by bugs again tonight .
“I’m done. DONE. Jesus give me a break.” My chest aches as if my heart is breaking
I breathe in and out slowly as we walk to the new church property donated to us by a healed lady we prayed over. Streams of sweat are pouring down my chest, back, and face as I tell myself I just have to make it through today. We must clear the land which is full of thorn bushes, boulders, weeds, and feed for water buffalos. I take out all my emotions on the bundles of feed for the animals. We move them to the neighbor’s property and pile them up. I pick up huge bundles and throw them as hard as I can. My muscles try to refuse the work. I step on thorn after thorn, stabbing through my cheap flip flops. I get cut, scratched and stabbed until I give up and stand off in a corner. I am sweating like crazy but it feels good to be doing something while sweating. After 2 ½ hours of clearing grass, dancing with the children, and shoving huge boulders into a ditch I want to be done. I’ve drank all my water and we still have to go home, cook dinner, eat, and get back out to set up the screen and show the film.
I flop on my mat face down when we arrive home not worried in any way of suffocating. The heat is certainly more suffocating. I want to refuse to go show the film. I’m having a battle within my soul. I wait for dinner as I fight my attitude. After dinner I’m aching to shower but we must show the film.Eventually though its decided we’ll do it another night because we cant find a DVD player to hook up and use. Thats what I kept saying from the beginning, I think to myself. After I’ve showered off all the fuzzy weeds, dirt, and grime I join a conversation with reese and Shannon. Reese asks why I’m feeling the way I am , why I am having such a bad day and my tears start flowing. I can’t answer the questions she’s asking and I just want to be alone. I cover my face with both hands and tell them I need to cry alone. Of course the tears come when there’s people around. So I walk up to the roof flop on my mat and sob out all my worries and complaints to God until I can only lay there exhausted.
God what are you trying to teach me? I better be learning something. Why do I feel this way? Why do I have such a bad attitude about everthing. God , am I supposed to be here? I miss everything about home. I miss having my own space. I miss quiet. I miss my family and friends. I miss my church. Why on earth am I here building one?
I roll over and stick my i-pod in my ears realizing its actually comfortable weather tonight and there’s a breeze. It’s the coolest night I’ve felt the whole month…I can actually put my sheet over me. I laugh in my head at the comment I made earlier. God is in India, and he’s cooling it down. For me though, not for himself.
“Thank you for not leaving me to do this alone Jesus.Thank you that this is exactly where you want me, and where I need to be. Some days are hard, but completely worth it. Thank you God for staying by my side”. Sometimes I don’t understand why he chose me. I’m so human. Or why I am here. Because some days are terrible, and I don’t feel as if I make a difference. Either way, somehow he decided I needed to abandon myself and this is where I’m at…still learning day by day to make my life about him, not myself. I can’t base how I feel off my circumstances, but just remember that the joy of the Lord is my strength . I need to press into Jesus, and press on in life.
