This blog is a confession and an apology more than anything else.
I’m going to be honest with you, which is hard, because sometimes it is so much easier to pretend. It’s easier to pretend that my life on the Race is perfect; that it is everything I dreamed it would be. The race has been great, it really has but it hasn’t been what I expected it to be. I have had difficulties, I have been challenged and, if I’m honest, I’ve had my doubts. You wouldn’t know this, of course. How could you know? I promised to take you with me on this journey. I promised you, family, friends and supporters that I would share this adventure with you. I told you I would post blogs. I told you I would keep you updated with stories and tales from the field but I didn’t and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I left you at home. I’m sorry that I broke my promise. I’m sorry that your prayers and financial gifts and questions were met with silence.
I let the lies sneak into my heart slowly; so slow that I didn’t even know they were there. I was loving the Race. I loved what I was doing. Even though it wasn’t glorious ministry and I didn’t have a huge tally of all the people I had led to Christ, I loved the Race. I was okay with holding orphans and cleaning. I was okay with cooking and doing housework and construction. In the midst of that, the lies came. I began to believe that my supporters and family wouldn’t be okay with what I was doing. I was scared that you would ask me how many people I had led to Christ, about how many times I had preached the gospel to a crowd with a microphone. I was scared to tell you that I hadn’t done that. I began to believe that if everyone knew that, most of the time, ministry looked like cleaning, painting, and changing a child’s soiled pants, you wouldn’t want to support me. I convinced myself that people would question me; tell me I could have done those things at home instead of traveling around the world to do it. So, I decided not to tell you. I decided not to tell you anything.
But I wanted too. I wanted to tell everyone everything that was going on because I had stories. I had so many stories. I’ve met so many people; prayed over the poor and the crippled and the broken. I’ve held so many crying children who don’t have anyone in the world. I’ve been able to serve the people who live to serve and have no one to look after them. I have stories but the lies in my head convinced me that people back home wouldn’t care or would be disappointed or that my stories, once written out, wouldn’t reflect my heart. Let me tell you though, the guilt I have been carrying around because of these lies has been exhausting. I feel guilty for leaving you behind; for not sharing with you what God has been doing through me and in my own heart especially since so many people have been overly generous in giving and praying for me. But Jesus has set me free from that guilt and I have changed so much because of this experience. My walk with Jesus is amazing, my community is awesome and the opportunities that I have been given in ministry have been life changing. I want to share these things with you. I am not going to leave you in the dark anymore. I can tell you that my ministry is not always glorious. You won’t find me preaching on the street corners (usually) or healing every sick person I meet but ministry is happening. God is moving. I have seen His hand working in six countries now. I don’t have a sheet of paper covered with names of all the people that have gotten “saved” but I have a heart full of stories that echo the heart of Jesus’ love for the nations. So, I wanted to tell you some of the things that I have been privileged enough the experience over the last six months:
I have lived with and helped young mothers who were abused and spent time with them and their children.
I have gone door to door in poor villages, both in Central America and Africa, spending time with people and praying with them.
I have painted too many buildings and walls and fences to count.
I have lived in an orphanage; helping with the kids, with the cleaning and cooking.
I have mixed and turned concrete and plastered rooms.
I have prayed with and played music for people in a city square.
I have taught English, lead youth services and done face painting for kids in poor communities.
I spent one month looking for people doing Kingdom work and honoring and helping them.
I have cleared fields with nothing but my hands and a shovel.
I have spent time playing with and loving on children in day cares, schools, villages and orphanages.
I have been apart of church services and bible studies across three continents.
I have worked in a hospital; folding gauze and praying for patients.
I have seen people get set free from demonic oppression.
I have sat on the floor of a tiny shack house in a Roma village for a children’s bible study.
I have spent a whole day standing knee deep in pig poop, clearing it out.
I have seen lives touched by the love of Jesus.
I have seen the Kingdom of God here on this earth.
Some of those things may sound amazing and some of them may sound small but Jesus has been showing me that there is no small work in the Kingdom. I can glorify Him whether I am scooping poop, sharing my testimony in a church service, or wiping a tear from a child’s face and I can honestly say that I can happily do any of those things because I can do it for the Lord. I am willing to do whatever is before me because Jesus is before me. I am no longer bound to an ideal and glorious ministry because my heart only wants to follow Jesus. I promise, really promise, to bring you on this journey with me, for real this time. No shame, no lies, no fluffy stories. I want to share with this journey with you. I have lost so much time, but I still have five more amazing months to go. I’m not leaving you at home this time, I want you to see the Kingdom with me.
If you feel led to donate, so that I can continue to be apart of Kingdom work around the world, you can donate through this blog. I still need to raise around $3,000 in the next two weeks to be fully funded. This is my last deadline. This is the last hurtle. It sounds like a huge sum, but I have seen God move in people’s hearts and I know it is possible. Last weekend I needed to raise $4500 and, by Sunday night that number dropped by a little over a thousand dollars. I appreciate every gift given, truly. It is because of my amazing supporters that I have been able to experience the things that I have this far. I’m in this, I’m ready for the next five and a half months. I’m ready for whatever the Lord has for me. Will you help me stay? Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for going on this journey with me!
