“A jewel’s just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.” – Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
It ‘s hard to focus on God during one of life’s many hard lessons. It’s even harder to praise Him during this time. Through all of the struggles I have encountered in the last year I tried to remember and focus on the good things God was doing to prepare me for something great. Satan loves to creep in there and let you know just how unworthy, unloveable, and downright awful you are though.
I recently found out that my older sister is pregnant (this is her first)! With all of the excitement that surrounds this incredible news, Satan took this golden opportunity to remind me of so many things I struggle with inside.
First, I realized that I will get to meet the bundle of joy before I leave since her due date is in September (HOORAY!), but also came to realize that I will miss an entire year of this child’s life while I’m gone on the race. A WHOLE YEAR! I got so sad thinking not just of this baby, but of Nathan and Jacob as well. There will be so many milestones that I will miss. My best friend quickly reminded me of all the great things that they (my family, friends) will miss in my life while I am gone as well. I will be traveling THE WORLD and experiencing some of the most indescribable things known to man. So, I felt better, but then…
Satan reminded me of the fact that I’m 27 and divorced without a family. When you get to this age your friends are mostly married and some already with kids. I want so badly to have a family, but have to remember that God has something completely different in mind for me. I’m not a mom now but will get to love on so many children that don’t have moms. I certainly don’t want to miss out on that! So, I have to find peace in the fact that God sees something special in me and chose me to do His good work.
In the midst of the hurt and joy I was experiencing after receiving such good news, I cried out to God to bring me peace. I think His most valued time with me is when I come to Him and just say, “I love you. I need you. Please quiet my heart.” He loves to be the one to console us and make us feel whole again. But I heard and felt nothing…I still hurt, so I decided to open my Bible and have my devotion time. He spoke to me through my devotion that night with this:
“Why are you downcast, O my soul?….I will yet praise Him.” Psalm 43:5
Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer.
When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance.
The woman having the dream said to herself, “How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.”
She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her, “O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure.
“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do. Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service.
“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later.
“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes – that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.”
– taken from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman
I am striving to be the third woman. He is training me through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. I want nothing more than to be worthy of His calling. That was my peace. All of those other things will come later.
