About 23 years ago, God made a girl.
She was the kind of girl that always stood on the sidelines. It was easy for her to go unnoticed. To the world, she was nothing special, not particularly pretty, thin, or stylish. She didn’t have a great personality to make up for it, either. She was kind of weird, a bit awkward and insecure. She was the quiet type. When people talked to her, she didn’t look them in the eyes. She wore the same over-sized sweatshirt and pair of jeans nearly every day–even in the summertime. Her hair was always messy, her fingernails were always dirty, and she looked down when she walked. She hung out in bookstores and went by herself to the park in order to think. She liked chess and studying history books, often getting lost in worlds of her own, painting pictures in her mind of everything good. This girl loved to dance, but had two left feet. She loved the Fall–the cool air made her feel alive, the vibrant colors of Autumn matching her soul. She sang constantly. She felt everything strong, loved hard, and lived passionately. Nature made her feel close to God. She loved to create. Her favorite place in the world was her front porch and she almost never wore shoes.
In God’s eyes, though, this girl was VERY special.
About a year ago, Jesus began speaking to me about identity. He began working in me this life altering truth: “You are because I am. You are able to love and be loved because I am love. You are free because I am freedom. You are healing because I am the healer. Everything you are not becomes possible because I am. You do not have to lack self control, because I am in control. You no longer have to be afraid, because I am the spirit inside you. You need not be strong because I am strong.You need not want any longer, because I am enough. I am the filling to the gaps…”
Since being on The Race, each of these truths that Jesus spoke over me last year have become not just something I believe, but something I live.
You see, for a long time I focused on who I wasn’t. And I still often become preoccupied with my failures, but I’m learning. I’m learning to turn to Jesus, looking to who He is rather than who I am or who I am not. The longer I live, the more I realize I can’t survive without Him.
People often ask: “Who are you?”–I even have a tab on this blog titled “Who am I?” If you go to that tab, you’ll find a list of bible verses saying who I am in Christ, but I have to be honest, I didn’t really believe any of those things when I wrote it–it was a total cop out. The truth is, I’ve always hated answering that question, but now I want to give a real answer.
My answer is: I am nothing. I am nothing without my Jesus. He is who I am. He is my everything.
There is another part of this whole identity thing that I think it relevant to include. Do you remember that VERY special girl? I want to talk about her a little more. If it isn’t completely obvious, that girl is me.
I have to admit, I haven’t always liked myself. I haven’t always believed or been able to see that I am VERY special. I used to struggle a lot with self hatred. And because I didn’t like who I was and I thought I wasn’t valuable, I began trying to be like other people. I failed miserably.
Its kind of like this: If a spoon calls itself a fork, it doesn’t stop being a spoon, it only stops acting like one. Naming creates meaning, purpose–something off of which to base action. The spoon that calls itself a fork can try and stab the food all day, but the spoon will never succeed, because the spoon’s purpose is scooping. A fork isn’t better than a spoon, it has simply been gifted in stabbing, as apposed to scooping. Its the same for us. I can try and be like my friend all day, but I will always fail, because my purpose is not to be my friend, it is to be myself.
Its much like what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 12:14-22 [emphasis mine]:
“For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body.’ that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body.’ that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them as he chose…The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.”
Recently, God revealed to me that I had fallen back into to striving to be someone I am not. The truth is, its not easy to be myself on The World Race. Remember the quiet girl who liked to go the park alone? Well, on The Race, its never really quiet and I think I’ve been alone maybe once or twice for a span of 30 minutes to an hour in the last 5 months. Before the race started, I remember someone saying, “If you’re an introvert, The Race is going to be hard for you.” I have to admit, I didn’t take that person seriously. Now, I see how right they were! Don’t get me wrong, part of ministry requires me to be more outgoing and that is a good thing. The Race–really, life in general is not about being comfortable. I see great value in being challenged or pushed outside of my comfort zone, but I get in trouble when I feel like I have to be louder, funnier, or more outgoing for people to accept me. I get in trouble when I start comparing.
Comparison is the thief of joy…
Remember what I said about naming creating purpose? My name means “cheerful one.” So, in essence, comparison steals my identity, my purpose, keeping me from the glory of God within me. God has made us exactly who we are for a reason. He has given each of us a part–a piece–a sliver of his glory…that glory shines when we are completely ourselves, nothing more and nothing less. He created us to be unique bearers of his glory. He doesn’t want us to be like anybody else. He wants us to let go of the desire to be like other people, He wants us to stop comparing and striving and just BE who He has created us to be.
The question now becomes, “Who has He created you to be?”
God has made us to be HIS.
Ok…”What does being HIS look like?”
Well, first we have to understand that we base our actions and how we live off of what we believe about ourselves. And so, the next step is pretty simple, at least theoretically. We need to start believing who we are and whose we are–acting out our value as royal sons and daughters of THE MOST HIGH KING, letting His name for us define our identities. We must live by our God given names and not by the names the world has given us–which have led and tied us to our bondage. Part of this is accepting who we are and not trying to be like others. We need to embrace who He has made us instead of focusing on who we are not. Like I said, He has created each of us to hold a unique part of His glory. We are blocking the light of that glory when we constantly strive and try to be like someone else.
Its not wrong to admire others. What you are seeing is God’s glory in them, admiring His creativity and workmanship. There are even qualities in others that the Lord wants to develop in you, but the way he develops and manifests His glory in you often looks different for you than for the other person.
I want to remind you that God has made you VERY special…you are indispensable!!! He takes such delight in His creation!!!
He is calling to you…declaring over you, “I see royalty when I look at you! I have chosen you for my own–to be part of me, to be MINE. I will never stop loving you, pursing you. I am here to rescue you from the entanglements and snares that keep you from embracing who I am and who you are in me. I want to transform you from being rejected and uncared for–to being the dearest child of my heart. I have healed you and freed you from all of the old lies! I want to show the world the beauty of who I am in you, manifesting my glory through you. I see you as valuable and worthy. I see you. I see your possibilities. My Child, I LOVE YOU!!!”
