I have been meaning to write here for weeks, but there have been so many things holding me back from doing so. First it was time, then it was fear, then it was more time, and more fear. But tonight, I am specifically setting this time aside and acting in confidence, because silence really does kill. Each time I refuse myselff the privelege of sharing what God is doing, Satan uses that to build more fear and kill more of my time and confidence. But now I'm refusing to let that be stolen from me; I'm refusing lack of glory to God. Instead I'm taking it up and pouring it all over this page.
First of all, let me fill you in on what I've been so afraid of.
(1) I have major trust issues and writing here is a big step ouside of my comfort zone.–Of course that makes me laugh, because writing a blog seems so "comfortable" compared to all the other things God has called me to.
(2) As many of my fellow squad members have said: "the honeymoon is over," "I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride," and "I"ve been curled up in a ball crying for what feels like days." All of these things pretty much sum up everything that I have been feeling lately. Overwhelmed is another word that hits the nail right on the head. And honestly, with these feeling has come a great deal of shame. That old phrase "not enough" has reared it's ugly head again. I have been ashamed because I have been experiencing intense moments of disbelief and doubt, questioning whether this is what God REALLY wants for me. As stated above, much like another racer, I have found myself in the bathroom crying more times than I would like to admit. It all goes back to the same thing though. Yes, this number is big, but our God is bigger! Yes, there is a lot on my plate right now, but God is more than enough for me. Yes, I am an emotional wreck, but God is strong in my weakness. Yes, I'm scared to death, but Christ is stronger than death and has defeated the grave. Yes, He has called me out and I WILL go, despite in spite of the enemy's plans to discourage me and leave me defeated. God's plans are to prosper me and give me a hope and a future. I'm holding onto the truth and going for God's plan!
I know it sounds like I'm just sitting around crying all day, but there have also been some really great moments of freedom and victory. My faith has been tested, yes, but grown in the process. God is continuing to show himself faithful despite my areas of unbelief. I smile as He motions for me to move aside and let the pro take control of the situation–what I have been trying to do myself. He smiles knowingly as my face reddens and I am humbled to tears because I realize only once he takes over and starts mending all of the damage I caused that I was doing exactly that—causing more problems. But then He lifts up my chin and wipes away those shameful tears and says "No, no, no, my child. There is no shame here. I am here to redeem. We'll work through this…we'll get there…I started this work in you; I'm going to finish it. Keep pressing in, keep walking, but don't give up; I'll heal you. I won't let you go. I love you." I look down, blushing again, because I don't deserve this grace. I don't deserve His unfailing love, and yet He gives it openly. And He reminds me to LOOK UP…to turn my eyes to Him and live this life loving Him, being loved by Him, pouring this inexplicable love onto those around me. And I smile and I start beaming in the light that finds me every time, that forgives me every time, that redeems me and makes me whole, that makes me ENOUGH!
I am so thankful that God is so gracious…so patient…so willing to send me little reminders saying: "Lacey, I've got this!"
