Can I be honest about something? I've been really discouraged lately, but this morning God gave me a moment I know was specifically for me. This morning's sermon was about hope– the hope we have, that is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. I have to admit that throughout this year, I have been stripped of hope, I have allowed the enemy to fill my head wth lies, because I have been too tired to fight them with truth. Like I said, I have been discouraged, but I was reminded this morning, there is hope. It is such a simple, basic concept, but God met me in a new way, gave me exactly what I needed. He clothed my stripped soul with his righteousness. He helped me to remember all that He has done to bring me to this point, this place of freedom. There is so much to say and I don't even know how to put words to it.
As you may know, I am home for Christmas break. HOME. That in itself is amazing. After everything that I have been through over the last several years, over my whole life, really, I finally have a HOME and maybe even greater than that, I FEEL at home. Don't get me wrong, I know that our feelings should not dictate how we live and should often times not be trusted, but this feeling is one of those things that I really can't help but cherish. This feeling of home is so groundbreaking because of how much I've struggled to feel like I belong, like I am worthy, like I am enough. I have fought endless battles in this particular area and they have all caused me tremendous heardache. But guess what, all the stuff that God has been doing these last four years has not been in vain, even those hard nights, even in the moments where everything seemed so hopeless, so homeless…there was hope, there is hope, I have hope, I have a home, because He is my hope, He is my HOME, my family. He makes me belong, makes me worthy, makes me enough. Isn't that so amazing?
I must also mention something else…the lie that I have been fighting…what God really spoke to me about this morning. I have been really struggling with belief….in so many areas, not belief in God, but belief in joy, belief in love lasting. I have realized recently that this lie has been controlling me. As I stated above, I finally feel at home, like I belong and I have had SO many wonderful moments this Christmas, which I must say is also really amazing. If you know where I was and WHO I was the last several Christmases, you know how amazing this is. In the past, I have absolutely despised Christmas. To me, Christmas has been everything horrible, everything that hurts, everything that haunts. But this year God has helped me to reclaim Christmas. He has given me GREAT joy and love…and helped me to really experience it instead of focusing on all of those negative things that made me feel this way about Christmas in the first place. But experiencing those moments of joy and love are what has made me realize the lie that these things don't last. Every time God blessed me with a joy, a peace, a moment of love and acceptance, I crashed immediately afterwards and was bombarded with lies and negativities. I'm beginning to see that these things were happening because I believed not only that good things don't last, but also a struggle with the lie that I don't deserve anything good.
With all of these lies has come something else that is absolutely amazing. God has given me strength to fight. I am not longer too tired. I have been fighting with everything that I am against these lies. against the enemies' schemes to steal all of that goodness from me. I am not longer sinking back and living in the lies. I have chosen to be only adorned with truth and righteousness, which was brought to an even great completion this morning when God reminded me to have hope.
Another big thing that God spoke to me about this morning in relation to hope is about the world race. I have been discouraged about the money, as you might know if you read my last post. But if you also recall, I also came to a point where I realized that I must not focus on the numbers, because doing so puts my eyes in the wrong place. If I look at how big the sum is, I lose sight of how big our God is! And He is so much bigger than any of our problems. He is SO good!!! He helped me this morning to remember this again and also to remember that He is in control and that He will provide. He has provided for me in the most amazing ways my whole life and He is NOT about to stop now!!!!
I also want to talk about one more thing in this post. I want to talk about thankfulness. I met with a really special woman yesterday, my mentor whom I hadn't seen in about a year and God really spoke to me through her. Because she told me that I used to be a lot more grateful…to God…to others…And when she said that God totally brought sight to my blind eyes. It brought me to a place of humility, because I realized that I truly have lost sight of everything that God has done in my life. I have forgotten, but what she said in combination with the sermon this morning has forced me into remembering how incredibly blessed I am…
And so, I want to end this by saying thank you to everyone that has invested in my life…even in ways you don't know. Thank you for all of the difficult moments that you've walked through with me. Thank you for sharing in my pain, thank you for sharing in my joy. And thank you for always being there. You mean more to me than you will ever know.
And then…thank you Jesus for the sacrifice that you made that took away my sins, my guilt, and shame so that I can be clothed in your righteousness, that I can live in freedom, healing, wholeness…I am amazed by everything you are…and thank you for the way you meet me and speak to me in the most unexpected ways. You are truly breathtaking and I love you with all my heart…
