A quick "psalm" before my blog 🙂
Once a slave embittered by the chains of my past,
entangled by the fiery snare of hatred,
my heart was malnourished,
feeding on only ashes.
My soul was left starving for the truth of promises,
doubting the war would end right,
that slaves could be freed.
But there was light
when the battle clouds rolled away.
All the labor,
the endless cold dark nights–
the blistering heat waves of day,
plowing away in the master’s field,
even then,
the Lord heard my cry,
He heard my freedom song.
Freedom’s seed was dropped into the furrow
and the seed began to grow
into the strongest tree,
the tree of Calvary.
Now I have a different master,
He is the King of Kings.
He died for my freedom,
and he died upon that tree.
I no longer toil in darkness,
or the heat of day.
I live in Christ’s true freedom,
filled with the richest food,
confident of his promises,
free,
yes, free indeed!
All I could see through blurred vision were those crooked mauve tiles, worn by the passing of time. It was 2am and I was done, really done this time. Done with trying, done with crying, done with God. I had begged, pleaded, screamed, and shouted for God to save me, heal me, make my broken heart whole again. I had waited for what I thought was far too long and by then, the silence hit me with such great force that I began gasping for air. I became paralyzed by the pain that I felt.
I wondered what was wrong with me, why God had left me to waste away in my misery. I began thinking that if this was the way my life was going to be, I didn’t really want to be alive anymore. My world was spiraling out of control, getting darker and darker with each passing day. I had sought healing through counseling and through the wisdom of mentors, but none of it was working. Counseling only taught me to cope with my pain and I was too unhealthy at that point to actually take the advice of my mentors. I sought healing in them instead of in Jesus. I became an idol worshiper, putting my mentors on pedestals, believing that they could do no wrong, and even though those pedestals were broken too many times to count, I continued to build them back up each time they fell. All the while, I continued to lose faith in Christ’s ability to heal me, because I was too blind to see that I wasn’t actually seeking His healing, I was seeking my Idols’ healing.
As a result of failing to find healing, I began living in a cycle of fake freedom–claiming that I was free, acting as if I had it all together, and performing in a way that made people believe I was better. The problem was that after a while, I always broke down again, failed again, slipped up again. I was relying on others for my value and identity, but of course, they let me down, because our true identity and value can only be found in Christ. Even though I knew this truth, I didn’t start completely living it until fairly recently. That part of my healing actually happened at training camp–or at least began there.
During training camp, I began believing that I am HIS–HIS daughter, a royal daughter of The Most High King. He showed me the true calling in the name He has given me “Lacey Shea,” meaning “cheerful one, of royal decent.” He began redeeming so much of the pain, the anger, and depression, and turned it into pure joy. When I began to live as His daughter, I began seeking my value and identity in him. I began to see myself as royalty and I no longer needed others to affirm me, because my joy is complete in HIM!!!
In Albania, I began believing that God has never left me or forsaken me. He has been and He will always be. I began believing that His silence, my lack of ability to hear, see, or feel Him have nothing to do with his level of affection for me. I began believing that His love for me is far deeper than I can ever imagine. He sees me.
In Serbia, I began to believe that complete freedom and healing is possible, which leads me to the moment it all began—or where God brought everything He had already been doing into completion…waiting in the lobby of a Romanian hotel.
As I sat in the lobby of that Romanian hotel, the Lord put John 8:32 on my heart. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” For the first time, that sank in. The truth. As someone who had struggled with believing lies for so long, believing and claiming truth was something a bit new to me. Just as that began to sink in, I was greeted by my dearest squad mother and we headed toward her fourth floor accommodations.
I can’t really explain to you what happened after that. The Holy Spirit was unleashed as we prayed and all I remember is all of the truth flooding my spirit. The truth: “He heals the broken hearted” Psalm 147:3, “By His wounds we are healed” Isaiah 53:5–so many more truths negating and replacing all the lies. In that moment, I not only believed that 100% healing and freedom are possible, I received it, I claimed it as mine.
I AM COMPLETELY HEALED!!!
I AM COMPLETELY FREE!!!
ALL of the darkness that once covered my life is gone and now I live FREE in His glorious LIGHT!!!
It was so amazing in itself, but music had been playing while we were praying and as soon as I was healed, the music seemed to play just a bit louder and I was able to proclaim the following lyrics:
“In Jesus name, demons will scatter, darkness pushed back by His glorious light!
Jesus defeated my enemies. Forever his blood is defending me. Every assignment or curse made for harm is broken, sent back, and disarmed.
Yes it is. I see the darkness fleeing. I see the enemy running away because the King, the King is here…
The enemy doesn’t stand a chance. His plans don’t stand a chance, because Jesus is here…In this day, he is breaking off the curses and he is moving in our midst and the spirit of resurrection is rising up all through the church.
I have a lamp that burns for you, a lamp that will not go out. My heart is a flame of fire for you. My heart is on fire for you, Jesus. On fire for you, Jesus. I will hold on. I will hold on. I will overcome. I will overcome. I will overcome by the blood of the lamb, by the word of this testimony you have given me!”
