It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted a blog and I want to first apologize for that! I am currently in Cambodia and life on the race is changing a lot for me. It all began in Vietnam. The Lord was preparing me for this, but I didn’t know it at the time. Remember in my last blog how I felt the lord telling me something BIG was coming? Well it’s here and I’m about to tell you about it!
I struggled hard in Vietnam. I felt like I wasn’t being a good leader for my team, and I just felt like I was missing something. We had a roof at our hostel and I was there most mornings and/or evenings. Watching the sun rise or the sun set I had some sweet and hard convos with God. Many days I just asked him, “what is my purpose here?” Or “can you show me what I need to do?” Or “God, change my heart to be like yours!”
He gave me little things to hold onto that kept me going but I had no idea what each one was preparing me for. He gave me the word POWER and I knew to get through last month I had to seek power from the only source I could get it, Him. And all I could do each day was seek him. Even though it didn’t get easier I had power to get through each day. And not just barely get through, but actually be present and enjoy the last month with team Ahavah.
Everyday I sought him and everyday he had my back. He reassured me when I had doubts and filled me when I was low. One night I was on the roof and heard the Lord tell me something big was coming. And my friend, Summer, did a listening prayer for me. Which if you don’t know what that is, it’s just like it sounds. She prayed over me and asked for a word from the Lord. And she got much more than a word. This is what she heard/saw from the Lord-
“LISTEN AND KNOW. I was standing in the forest, surrounded by trees so tall you couldn’t see the tops or even the sky. Everything around you is dark but you’re lit up like you’re glowing. Your arms are out in front of you, palms up, like you’re waiting for Him to put something in your hands. You’re ready to receive whatever is coming and He says to keep your eyes on Him. Don’t look at what he gives you even if it doesn’t feel great at first when you hold it if it’s heavy or rough. If you take your eyes off Him it will fall to the ground and break. But if you keep your eyes on Him it will be okay.”
So when I heard both of these things I couldn’t help but feel anxious/excited! I was so ready to know what it was but I was pretty sure this was for something after the race and it would be a while before I found out. I figured I was just getting a heads up from the Lord and should start preparing myself, even though I had no idea what it could be.
About a week later, Madie (our squad’s mentor), called me and in light of team changes coming after month four wanted to let me know that I along with all the other team leaders were being asked to step down because they were going to raise up new leaders. Since the day I had said yes to being a team leader, I knew this moment would come. I had prayed hard over this and felt so much peace. I knew there was a reason and it was my turn to support the new leaders and grow in a different way through the race.
So a few days passed and Madie called again. I told her my thoughts on stepping down and though it was hard because of all the changes I felt good about it and was excited to support the new leaders…Little did I know at the end of this call she was going to ask me to be a raised up squad leader LOL. I was in shock! I had just spent 4 days processing stepping out of a leadership position and now she was asking me to step into even more leadership.
So here I was in Vietnam, in a month where I felt like my leadership wasn’t making a difference. And then I get asked to lead the whole squad along with two other raised up SQLs. I had thought about this scenario back in month two, but had to quickly surrender that because I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. Plus, I could see so many other people on our squad filling this role and thought for sure it wouldn’t be me. So it hasn’t crossed my mind in a while and this really caught me off guard!
I took a day of praying about this, I told Madie YES! I put together all the little things the Lord had shown me and had taught me in the past four months, but mostly in Vietnam and knew this is what the Lord had been preparing me for. A week later the entire squad made it to debrief and we were sitting in our first session. Only leadership and the 3 raised up squad leaders knew we were filling this position.
At the end of ur first session Madie decided to go ahead and announce The raised up SQLs at the last minute! First, Rashad! Such a man of God and filled with so much joy. I am so excited to learn from him and watch him disciple all of P squad! Second, Kaitlin- P squad went crazy! She did not start as a team leader but has no doubt led P squad up to now. She is level headed and brings so much clarity and gentleness into the hard conversations. I am so excited to know her better! And lastly, me!
The love us three got from P Squad was overwhelming! This squad is a family and I can’t wait to continue life with each of them. I think the best part of being a squad leader is that now I get intentional one on one time with each person on P squad. My prayer in Vietnam was to love others like He does. And during our last night of debrief the 3 men washed all 32 women’s feet. It was such a sweet moment to get to be a part of. And as I watched the men serve us and each girl walk up and be overcome with emotion because of the intimacy this brought. I couldn’t help but smile. I even got goosebumps but didn’t know why I felt so gushy in that moment. It’s not like I haven’t been around these people for 4 months already so why does it feel different now??
Then it hit me, I was getting a glimpse of what the Lord sees when he looks at P squad! I had been praying for a heart like His and he gave me a peak at it and it is amazing! He is beaming down at each of us. He can’t help but be overcome with joy for P squad. He is so excited for what this new chapter is going to bring and all the growth everyone will have. AND SO AM I! Each person brings so much to the table and the P squad family wouldn’t be the same without each individual on our squad.
P Squad, thank you for the encouragement and being our biggest cheerleaders. I can’t wait to grow in this new role!
Family and friends back home, thank you for your constant prayers. It’s hard to describe what these changes mean and what they could do but It’s exciting and going to point our squad into even more growth!
I’m so excited!!
