We use numbers everyday. To tell the time, to know the date and year, to keep track of the miles ran, walked or biked, to count money, and countless other ways. But do we ever consider the significance of numbers?? I didn’t, at least, until a few months ago when a friend showed me a document with the biblical meanings to numbers.
I remember learning a few in my Old Testament class in college but it wasn’t ever at the forefront of my mind. Then I got to Ethiopia. Numbers all of a sudden became a big deal in my mind because here everything is different! Ethiopia was never colonized so they had the freedom to do things differently than the rest of the world. So currently their country celebrates New Years in September and they are 7 years behind the rest of the world, the dates are about 10 days later than ours, and on top of that their time is 8 hours different as well! Crazy!
All of a sudden I am no longer living in 2020 but also in the year of 2012. Who else gets to relive a year?? How cool! Ethiopia’s year starts in September and we arrived here in November. I was thinking back to that time of my life in 2012- I would have been a freshmen in college, finishing my first semester. The same age as most of the women and men on my squad right now. 2012 was a year of getting to choose who I wanted to be and how I wanted to start a new season of my life in college. What did I want to be known for??
[From 2012 and 6 years after, I was living for man. I had before then too, but it became a VERY strong influence and decider of my life choices at this point. What does the number 6 mean?? It means “man.” Everything I did was to get affirmation from man. And when I say man, I don’t just mean one man, I had been seeking approval from anyone. It seemed very harmless, there usually wasn’t any action with that desire but a very hard internal struggle for self worth. I just wanted to be loved and when someone affirmed me, that is what I thought love was.]
You would think I wasn’t receiving any love by the way I’m talking, but I have had so many loving people in my life, especially my family! I never held anything against my family and friends, but I had created this deception that they loved me for what I could bring to the table, or how I made them feel. I was really hurting myself and wearing myself out.
I made it look really good on the outside. I was the girl who had it all together. I was the girl who went to church, did well in school, had lots of friends, played college basketball and was always doing “good.” I wasn’t in a relationship but it was definitely ALL that I wanted. I tried to play it cool on the outside but I was desperate for that “fulfillment.” I wasn’t going to compromise the standards I had but was ready for THE guy to give me the attention I had seen so many of my friends get.
Fall of 2013 was the exact time I got into my first relationship. This was my sophomore year of college. He was a great guy, but I entered into that relationship not knowing who I was first in the Lord. My identity wasn’t rooted in the Lord and so I decided to root my identity in my boyfriend. It was a great relationship. We talked about everything, we had fun, we went to church together and sometimes had those deep convos, we loved each other’s families and we just seemed so perfect for each other. There was just one problem, he was my idol. He was all that I looked to, I depended on him for confidence, I was willing to do anything for him so that I could gain his love. I waited desperately for the day he not just told me he “liked me” but that he “loved me” but it came and the that hole in my heart still wasn’t filled.
Maybe making your boyfriend the idol and center of your life doesn’t seem like too big of a deal to some of you, but man will fail you. It’s not a matter of if but when. Yes, he was an incredible guy but no man can fill that place of our Father. Nobody is perfect, so we can’t depend on another human to fulfill us. That was the illusion I was under- that once I got into a relationship that missing piece would be found.
[In this year of 2020 it will be 7 years since I got into that relationship. The number 7 represents completion, or spiritual perfection. Sometimes one choice that doesn’t seem bad but it does take us down a winding path that leads to more destructive choices. Well that happened to me and now instead of regretting all that has happened, I now see the Lord’s hand in it all and how he has brought completion into my life, and brought me FULL CIRCLE. Here’s what happened…]
I was wrong to think my boyfriend could complete me and one day it all came crumbling down…We had been dating for several years now, and I found myself getting so frustrated. I hated it, I didn’t like being this girl, who nit picked at everything. But since I put all these expectations (unknown to him) on him, I was let down but I didn’t talk about it. Instead I bottled it up until I exploded and then it was just a damaging conversation instead of a healthy convo that could help our relationship out. The enemy knew I was frustrated and put something/someone else in front of me that he knew would look enticing to me. I tried to fight and say no but I wasn’t rooted in the Lord so I wasn’t standing on strong ground when I said no and soon it became a little yes then the yes grew stronger and stronger even though I didn’t want it. But I had been feeding this hunger to be loved by what my boyfriend gave me and I craved more and more because it wasn’t satisfying so I took another counterfeit out of fear.
Before I knew it, I was sucked down this black hole of destruction. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was living two completely different lives. No one knew what was going on, not my boyfriend, closest friends or even my family. I was getting temporary satisfaction but felt completely alone and empty. I kept waiting for things to happen that would make things better like maybe getting engaged, or moving to a new city away from those past decisions or even better I was waiting for the day I would get married and be a new woman!
But no matter how great being engaged was and getting to start in a new city with a new community, the past still haunted me. My decisions followed me and I pushed them down so hard. I was going to go to my grave with them because it was just THAT humiliating for me. Then in January of 2017 everything changed. I knew I could no longer be able to function this way, it was exhausting. Lying is not fun. Maybe it seems like the best decision in the moment but it will have its repercussions, trust me.
So 40 days before our big day, I told my fiancé how I had cheated on him. (Never thought I’d ever write those words on a blog, but here I am.) It took several conversations because I just wanted to tell him the bare minimum hoping we could brush it off and move on. But one night the Lord sat me down and had me word vomit all that had happened. It literally made me sick. All this darkness that had been sitting in the pit of my soul was finally being brought into the light! I knew it was what I had to do, but I was most certain my life was over. Everyone would look at me differently, nobody would love me, I was damaged goods and nothing good could come from my life. Oh, how wrong I was…As soon as I was honest, I felt this beginning to freedom that I have continued to find over the last three years.
[That’s right, it’s now been 3 years since that heart crushing time of my life. And yes, I am about to tell you the meaning of good ole number 3…it means divine fullness, and perfection. The Lord has been so so sweet to me my whole life but so evidently in the past 3 years.]
If you’ve heard my story or followed along my journey in the past few years, you know that so much breakthrough has come into my life! Oh how different I am than that man-seeking, approval hungry, woman living for the world. The Lord dropped all this into my lap the other morning as I was looking out at the African sunset. He spoke redemption over the year of 2020 for me. I have already felt unexplainable freedom from my past but the Lord wants to grace me with even more newness! I think back to the woman lying on her apartment floor 3 years ago bawling her eyes out, thinking all hope was lost. But here I am 3 years later, in Africa, living for the Lord and entering the new year overcome with divine fullness and hope and joy for the future!
Back in the fall of 2017, I was in one of my dear friend’s wedding and she gave me a necklace as a bridesmaid gift and it had a word on it. The word was “whole.” She said that no matter how broken I feel, I am whole in the Lord. It stuck with me and helped me get through some of those really difficult days. I actually got to give away that necklace a couple months ago. It was so sentimental to me and hard to give away but I saw a woman who needed that same reminder that she is WHOLE. Nothing of her past can take away from who she is in the Lord.
None of us are exempt from redemption! I hope that this blog of complete vulnerability hit home for some of you. We all have struggled in different ways, but one thing I know for sure is that none of us are perfect. We are flawed, stained, bruised, broken, and even resentful towards ourselves or others. All I have to say is let it go. Bring it into the light. Tell someone. Looking back we all have 20/20 vision. We all see how we could have done things better. But don’t live in regret. Instead let 2020 be a year of redemption for you too! Your past does not have a hold on you! YOU ARE WHOLE!!
*Whole: “complete; entire; not defective or imperfect; not broken or fractured; unimpaired; uninjured.”*
Before I give updates, I just want each of you to know that I never thought I’d share this story of my life in a place that anyone could access it. I have been very willing to share with people on the race and away from home. But knowing that many of you back home haven’t heard this, broke my heart. The Lord has been so good to me. I have a story of redemption and it is something I want for ALL people, not just for my squads on the world race or people around the world, but also for the people back home I know from school, sports, church, work or wherever! My story isn’t about me, but about the GOODNESS of the Lord.
Thanks for reading! I love you all!!
Kyn
Life Updates & Prayer Requests:
- We had an awesome Christmas and New Year here in Ethiopia! With no WiFi here, I have seen the squad choose into each other in incredible ways! The unity among Gap W is beautiful!
- I am fully funded! Thanks to everyone who has prayed and supported me financially! I cannot thank you all enough!!
- We still have people on the squad who aren’t fully funded. Prayers for that to come in would be great!
- Also, at the beginning of March, parents will come out to the field to be with their racers for the week. I also ask that you pray with me for the racers and parents and also the racers who will not have parents coming out to the field.
- We are currently at midpoint debrief! After this week, we have about 1.5 months until we head to our next country- Thailand!
