The fifth day of training camp has just ended, I am snug in my tent, and have busted out my laptop for the first time since leaving my house. The last few days have been absolutely amazing, and I will do a full de-brief blog covering training camp in its entirety after it has come to a close and have had a chance to get home and process this week a little bit. This blog is more to share what God had put on my heart a long time before training camp and something that I have been struggling and fighting with up until today……Leadership.
For those people reading this that do not know me, I have a servant heart, I like to serve and do things for people, in fact one of my primary love languages is Acts of Service, However, I also have the heart of a leader, I like to take charge of a situation, and almost feel it is my responsibility at times to do so. I just immediately jump into that role in a lot of situations, and I love it….I love to lead, it is something that has always come natural to me, and over the last couple of years my propensity for leadership has been strongly encouraged by a number of people that I love and respect, and who’s words I really take to heart.
Their encouragement has challenged me to further develop and stretch myself in a number of different environments.
When I signed up for the WR I was made aware through reading other racers blogs, and talking to a few different people that there is a system to how squads and teams are split up and “managed” along the way. Our squad has just over 60 people on it, we have 3 squad leaders that are WR alumni, they will accompany us on the race for the first 4 months and train up 3 squad leaders from among our group. They are responsible for travelling around the given countries that we are in and making sure that our individual teams are doing well, serving the ministries and people well, and generally just loving and encouraging us. Our squad splits up into smaller groups called teams, each team consists of around 5-7 people, and one person within that team is chosen by our squad coordinators and leaders to lead the squad, they are given the added responsibility of leading on a daily basis, providing direction, and taking “care” of the other members of the squad (in a general sense everyone is responsible for the team, but there are a bunch of added things that the leader is chosen to take care of).
I shared with my church youth that I help to lead one night about the WR and my plans to go. Explained as much as I knew….and their immediate reaction when they heard about team leaders was “OMG!!!! You are TOTALLY going to be chosen to be a team leader!!!!! And although anything can happen, and AIM will choose who they feel led by God to choose, I held onto what they said…..and deep down inside was almost expecting it. A few people actually spoke it into me over the months previous to TC.
So here I am, at training camp, fully “expecting” to be made the leader of my team….
How wrong could I have been?!?
After meeting my squad and spending just short of a week with them, getting to know them I realized that for the most part each and every one of them has strong leadership qualities, many of them very apparently stronger than my own.
An inner struggle ensues……my old self against my new self
Do I continue to hold onto these expectations only to end up on a team where I am not the leader? Do I become bitter that our squad’s leadership found someone better qualified for the job? Will I chose to sulk for the next year because I wasn’t given the position on my team that I so coveted?
I separated myself from the group one evening and began talking it over with God, knowing deep down that, although they do not always choose to most apparent people to be team leaders, I would not be one of them. I had to lay it down, and ask God to forgive me for my jealousy and covetous nature, and ask God to give me peace about the situation and show me where He wanted me to be in all of this…..In my head I saw a picture of myself running and laughing and playing, joyful and childlike. Instead of giving me a place on my team with the added responsibility of being leader I felt like God was saying that He just wanted to have fun with me over this next year. I have been responsible my whole life, working from a really young age, and I felt like He was saying, “take a break, and just enjoy this season and play a little”.
God is so good, He took that need that I had inside of myself to be responsible for everyone and “in charge” and replaced it with a desire to just enjoy my time with Him.
1 Peter 5:6, 7
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
